Critiques and Revision


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  • Rookie - 62 Points Black On Black Arts (9/4/2012 1:56:00 PM) Post reply
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    hello im Black on Black arts and i would like for anyone who enjoys to read poetry to please read rate and to give me their honest opinion on my poems thank you
    B.O.B.A

  • Rookie Stevie Taite (8/31/2012 10:41:00 AM) Post reply

    Poems and dreams (surrealism)

    (written in response to a visit to the Tate. I tried to use vocab used to describe this type of art in minimal words.
    It's my interpretation of the thought process behind the works of art. Bringing the randomness of the subconscious and the world around us alive in their creations)


    Alone
    In our head with many
    Unknown

    Faces
    Forms that disconnect
    Places

    Surreal
    When the dawn shakes us
    Feel

    Unplanned
    Abstract association
    Understand

     See
    Unconscious mind
    free

    Strive
    Elements of chance
    Alive

    Accidental
    Random mix and match
    mental

    Truth
    Search for understanding
    Sleuth 

  • Rookie - 10 Points Mason Maestro (8/31/2012 8:56:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    From a Jade Terrace (The Fortress Alley)

    A contract made, joint-venture tight
    Safe in the glow of the conglomerate light
    How strange to choose to smother worth
    How strange to choose to end the diverse
    Dupont, Allstate, Apple, Dell
    Fed Ex, GM, Boeing Merrell
    Freddy Mac, Amtrak, diesel, propane
    Their corporate leanings, it’s gone insane
    That we would choose to smother worth
    That we would choose to end the diverse

    Paul Volker and Bernstein, princes of power
    Mergers served hot but the taste is sour
    The alley holds the jade and bones
    And a map is at The Georgia Guidestones
    The vested, the vermin, the fortress, the careless
    Corporate oligarchs up on the terrace
    On Fortune 500, the stocks in place
    No fear of the dark, or shame or disgrace
    That we would choose to smother worth
    That we would choose to end the diverse
    It's cold in the board room
    The space is too big
    Assets aren’t enough
    And the shares are too thick
    They’ll show you no weakness
    They’ll mock you in growth
    Berate and deride you
    Belittle and chide you
    Is it anger or envy, profit or dearth
    That we would choose to smother worth
    That we would choose to end the diverse

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  • Rookie Ulveena Aitzaz (8/18/2012 6:15:00 AM) Post reply

    You Don't Know

    You claim you love me, even though,
    The meanings of those words you do not know.
    Every time you wrap around me your arms,
    And promise you wont let come to me any harm.
    I peer into your eyes,
    I'm not saying they are lies.
    But you loving me just isn't true,
    And that even you don't know, do you?
    'Cause you claim you love me, even though,
    The meanings of those words you do not know.
    But when I tell you, your temper will burn like hell fire,
    And perhaps the consequences are dire.
    But you needed to know that you're living a fairy tale,
    I do love you and you are gonna burn your boats before they set sail.
    I know when I see you, my tongue might fail,
    So as I write this, I just want you to know that my heart's really frail.
    So honey, don't you use words with meanings you don't know ever again,
    Use words that you know, don't wreck your brain.
    This shall be perhaps only a memory for me,
    It'll hurt you the most but the end of it you shall see.
    Because the meanings of those words, you never knew,
    And how can things you don't know ever hurt you?

  • Rookie Ulveena Aitzaz (8/18/2012 6:12:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Little Baby

    Little baby don't you cry,
    Go to sleep, come on, give it a try.
    Close your eyes and got to sleep,
    Dream of fairies in your slumber so deep.
    I will be right here next to you,
    Know, little baby, I love you.
    Now close your starry, twinkling eyes,
    And you will see glowing fireflies.
    I promise you, little baby, when you wake up to the morning light,
    You shall get a kiss and a hug very tight.
    But for now I shall stroke your silky hair,
    And when you wake up, look by your side and you'll find me right here.
    So, little baby, don't you cry,
    Go to sleep, come on, give it a try.
    Close your eyes and go to sleep,
    Dream of fairies in your slumber so deep.

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    • Rookie Anita Jonker (9/12/2012 2:54:00 AM) Post reply

      This made me smile and cheered up my mood. Awesome rhythm and just very sweet well done!

  • Rookie Ndubuisi Okona (8/14/2012 5:37:00 PM) Post reply

    Please criticise this poem of mine.

    OBLIVION MODIFIED

    Silence they say is golden and quite glittery
    All it ever brings is pain and total misery
    Everyone wants to be proved right
    But none wants to be left out in love
    A fresco of wasted dreams
    A collage of aspirations cast in streams

    Silence I hear is golden yet so deafening
    I try to speak it’s always a squabbling
    Really scared to disturb the peace
    Tried to piece back one good piece
    It was only a wink in the dark
    The pendulum did not swing back
    Watched love in profile take a dive
    Settled with the ripples of lies and unlusty lives

    Silence I see is golden and so so dazzling
    Autumn’s child came cool and strong
    A blink all green in me was gone
    Oh! The peals of heart break and it stings
    If I could detach my manhood and cry for a moment
    If I could reach back and erase that moment
    I walked up and said “how do you do”

    Twice I loved thrice she lied
    Can this justify my disposition?
    Kindly lace my Valium with deprivian
    Kindly deprive me of this oblivion
    So I could wake up to you
    Lay what is left on you
    Time tells if these would all come true.

  • Rookie Ndubuisi Okona (8/14/2012 5:27:00 PM) Post reply

    Please criticise this poem of mine.

    OBLIVION MODIFIED

    Silence they say is golden and quite glittery
    All it ever brings is pain and total misery
    Everyone wants to be proved right
    But none wants to be left out in love
    A fresco of wasted dreams
    A collage of aspirations cast in streams

    Silence I hear is golden yet so deafening
    I try to speak it’s always a squabbling
    Really scared to disturb the peace
    Tried to piece back one good piece
    It was only a wink in the dark
    The pendulum did not swing back
    Watched love in profile take a dive
    Settled with the ripples of lies and unlusty lives

    Silence I see is golden and so so dazzling
    Autumn’s child came cool and strong
    A blink all green in me was gone
    Oh! The peals of heart break and it stings
    If I could detach my manhood and cry for a moment
    If I could reach back and erase that moment
    I walked up and said “how do you do”

    Twice I loved thrice she lied
    Can this justify my disposition?
    Kindly lace my Valium with deprivian
    Kindly deprive me of this oblivion
    So I could wake up to you
    Lay what is left on you
    Time tells if these would all come true.

  • Rookie Evie Stripp (8/14/2012 10:39:00 AM) Post reply

    This is a poem that I wrote after I lost a competition. It is called 'Disappointment'. I would like some constructive critiscim for both the structure and the language of the poem.

    High hopes,
    Adrenalin runs,
    Tension becomes unbearable,
    The cup gleams, at you,

    It could be yours!

    Suddenly a decision is made,
    You stare anxiously outward,
    A name is called…

    It is not yours.

  • Rookie - 1 Points Peter Daniel Phiri (8/14/2012 3:01:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Life

    Life is the thing that defines me,
    The King enthroned in my most deepest and sacred mansion.
    Life is me in speech,
    In action,
    And in thought.

    Life is my compassion,
    Your love,
    And their hospitality.

    Life is me inspiring people,
    You making a difference,
    And them changing the world.

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    • Rookie - 1 Points Evie Stripp (8/14/2012 10:24:00 AM) Post reply

      I like your poem's structure because it shows how one person's attitude can change the attitude of many for the greater good and it also shows how important life is to both the individual and the worl ... more

  • Rookie Debbie Aherne (8/10/2012 5:32:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    There was a little birdie it sang all bloody day
    Couldn't shut the thing up had so much more to say
    It sung all through the morning my only peace was night
    Got to get rid of that birdie I'm sick of all it's shite

    Now next door had a pussy cat Suzie was her name
    You thinking what I'm thinking Yeh she can take the blame
    I lead her to the apple tree where birdie likes to perch
    And place her on the branches where she begins to start her search

    That should bleeding do it a bit of peace at last
    But what the hell was that just then it's Suzie running past
    I look up to the apple tree but birdie isn't there
    But on my kitchen table really giving me a stare

    I walk over to the table and ask birdie what is wrong
    And the cheeky little fooker decides to burst loudly into song
    I've had enough you have to go can't take it anymore
    Look who's crept in so quietly and creeping across the floor

    It's fur ball Suz the cat next door all wide eyed and wanting lunch
    Then a crash and a bang and a pow wow wow comes one almighty crunch
    Well the cats all full and licking her lips and theres feathers all over the floor
    It's such a shame but nevermind the fookin birdie won't sing anymore.

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