Critiques and Revision


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  • Mariska Coetzee (5/21/2012 8:46:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    The Rain (http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/the-rain-139/)

    There is no voice to echo,
    nature and all her beauty
    has gone quiet.

    The rain only comes
    when the flowers are in bloom.

    There is no warmth,
    the sun is trapped behind
    the dark and violent clouds.

    The rain only comes
    when the flowers are in bloom.

    There is no light
    that she can resonate
    when the flame of the candle
    cannot burn.

    There is no light drizzle,
    but rain hammering down on sullen ground
    and a wind that does not bend the trees but
    breaks the branches.

    The rain only comes
    when the flowers are in bloom.

    Acid falling down from the blackness above
    slowly, with each drop,
    eating away
    the life on which it falls.

    Where flowers use to grow
    nothing but
    a barren earth now remains.

    The rain only comes
    when the flowers are in bloom.

    Replies for this message:
    • Alexis ... (5/28/2012 11:06:00 AM) Post reply

      I think your poem is really good! My favorite part...." There is no light drizzle, but rain hammering down on sullen ground and a wind that does not bend the trees but breaks the branches.

  • T R (5/14/2012 2:22:00 AM) Post reply

    I am lost don’t know if I can be found.
    I am tied to things that cannot be unbound.
    My life is a fake!
    I don’t know how much more I can take.
    I have hurt and lied all my life
    That I am now living the lie.
    I want to teach my son how to be a man
    All I see to do is the worst I can.
    I want this all to end
    Just where do I begin?
    The only thing I am good at is lie
    Am I going to have to do this til I die?
    Can I run away from me?
    I just want to BE!
    I criticize others for doing far less than me,
    And I tell people what they want to believe.
    I really don’t know when it started
    Probably when my family parted.
    Now I have done the same in my heart
    I just feel torn apart.
    No one will understand
    And have the right to take my little man.
    I can’t even make him see
    The real true me! !
    I have lied, my way through
    and now I am tied to the untruth.
    How will they understand?
    Turn their back on me again?
    I know I have problems I can’t seem to have anything
    Nothing good should come to me I don’t deserve a thing.
    I have given a child away,
    Had one thrown away,
    And today is Mother’s Day!
    The child I have now has the evil in him
    Just like me where it begins.
    I want him to do great things
    How can he if he only sees the wrong me?
    I am so lost I don’t know if I can be found
    I have this mess of a life all around!
    You were right to doubt me,
    This is all I can be.
    I have tried the marriage thing twice now
    It doesn’t matter if we made a vow.
    Nothing matters cause don’t you see
    Who is it that you see?
    Cancer has hit my family
    It was hard to explain that I am scared and just lie about me.
    Have I given them this curse of horrible health
    All because I started their life like hell?
    Seems as though there is a God and he see’s
    Having to live this life is all on me!
    Not true there are the one’s that believe
    How I can I start being to good me?
    How can I move forward from the lies and deceit?
    When I have told too many no one can see me.
    Myself, I was born in a lie
    I guess one day I will go the same way when I die.
    I have hurt all the one’s close to me
    Many for no reason but just to be mean.
    Will the answers come to me?
    Can I just be me, who am I going to be?
    I want so many things that are good
    I just won’t get there, I have to be understood.
    No one will understand
    I wish I could bury my head in the sand.
    What good will that do?
    How can you say you love me too?
    Cause really I don’t love me.
    I can’t see the forest cause of the trees.
    I have been beat up again, physically,
    I can’t tell anyone in my family.
    If I do it will have a lie attached too!
    What the fuck do I do?
    Sit though my life?
    Run my hardest just to get by?
    How fair is it to be stuck in a life long lie everyday?
    God, please take me I have paid I have done wrong, please take it away.
    My son deserves a real mother
    Not someone to bother.
    I have hurt him the most,
    Somethings I hope he never knows.
    One day all the truth comes out
    That’s something I can’t do anything about.
    I am a runner from everything
    Good, bad, it doesn’t bother me.
    I am lost and I don’t know if I can be found,
    Maybe I‘ll have a chance to pick myself up off the ground.
    Who makes their whole life a lie?
    What did it take to make me just want to die?
    I remember it was that damn lie.
    Just so you know I tried,
    Being a mother, daughter, sister, aunt, even then I lied.
    So I’ve hurt anyone and everyone even with them knowing
    Is that what I am here for to ruin everything?
    If you read this know I am just going to try
    I want life without all these damn lies.
    All I can do now is the same try to get by
    All I want is a life without a lie.
    Damn I wish I know where to begin
    I feel like there are so many times I tried I’ll try again.
    I don’t deserve anyone’s love,
    I always give everyone a huge shove.
    If you think I can’t hurt you just ask
    I hate the way I treat my loved one’s it’s like a mask.
    I cannot ever come out of the lies,
    I don’t want them all to have to say goodbye’s.

  • Victoria Rose D'andrea (5/12/2012 4:20:00 PM) Post reply

    " Hemlock"

    all but one lonely soul
    hangs from limbs of tired trees
    in a dense forests of hearts,
    and endless flow of blood through leaves.
    under one sky,
    under one moon;
    a canopy of hope
    set atop a floor of dreary dead,
    laid to rest in a damp field of dirt
    walked upon by careless feet.
    hollowed eyes stop and gaze
    to see,
    endlessly;
    a sea of worried beasts
    stomping through a muddy path.
    and through the weeds
    a breeze shall breath
    a quiet call,
    and put to sleep
    a lonely me.

  • Victoria Rose D'andrea (5/12/2012 4:19:00 PM) Post reply

    I am not sure if I should keep the ending as is, or continue for another verse...

    " Key West" (working title)

    called on by a quiet shore,
    a calm, and lucid, lonely shore,
    not in a dream-she's wide awake-
    but by a voice through whistling wind,
    a draft,
    she hears a spirit sing
    a calm and peaceful hymn,
    for fallen hearts,
    and broken wings;
    'sweet child, come to me,
    the salty sea.
    i can show you how to be,
    and everything your tired soul
    will ever need,
    to finally
    fall asleep.
    bring your brothers,
    bring your friends,
    tell your sisters not to worry,
    that it's not yet the end,
    and that they can all come now,
    safe and sound,
    and rest their heads.
    I won't let them drown,
    or even let them weep,
    and they may all, finally,
    fall asleep.'

    'You are lost,
    and wandered lonesome.
    But I won't leave.
    You will always have the ocean,
    and the mountains,
    and the trees.
    I am your keeper
    and I promise you,
    that I will see
    that everything you fear
    will wash away with me
    when I put you,
    finally,
    to sleep.'

  • Cody Robinson (5/11/2012 11:14:00 PM) Post reply

    Faceless souls surround me yet I am the only one,
    everyone has somebody but I have none.
    You gaze upon me with lament and sympathy,
    but alas love is not meant for me.

    I wonder these desolate forests by pale moonlight
    searching for someone to relieve me of my plight.
    melancholy engulfs me like the icy embrace of night
    I am but a mere soul that lives but is already forgotten.
    Alone

    Tired is my body, my cold empty heart rotten.

    May your life bring endless happiness, for mine only pain and misery.
    Sadness and hatred I am accustomed, joy and hope are but a mystery.
    I curse each day that I find myself hurled into this consciousness.
    I grow weary of the blinding light, oh how i long for my darkness.
    I experience happiness for the first time as I tighten the noose.
    As my everlasting slumber approaches, I will be swept away unto eternal recluse.

  • Rookie - 10 Points Godfrey Morris (5/9/2012 8:57:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Nature’s Ying and Yeng
    By godfrey morris

    Perfect beauty flows in abundance from her bosom
    so vividly displayed in divine design
    Splendor is sure in green vegetation within the midst
    of the sun-lit glow, illuminating the deep blue engulfing sphere
    In nature, lies great serenity that leaves all to wonder
    for more of its majestic glory. Her secrets are a mystery,
    as in its peace great horror wreak
    what new ills do omens seek?
    The earth trembles, a sudden shock that tend to break the faults of rocks
    the violent wind may blow, displacing all earthly things you know
    violent fire emerges from a crack to burn all things within its track
    water travels upon the earth to sweep and clean for all to weep
    earth- wind, fire and water, the elements of our nature’s wonder
    Copyright © 2012

    Replies for this message:
    • Onalethuso Petruss Buyile Ntema (5/11/2012 3:31:00 AM) Post reply

      the last line is very strong..." the elements of nature's wonder" . There is a sense within. The unpredictability of nature " lies great serenity that leaves all to wonder for more of ... more

  • Rookie - 10 Points Godfrey Morris (5/9/2012 8:46:00 AM) Post reply

    Life
    By Godfrey Morris

    Life is precious
    it is a gem on the sands of shores
    though often treated as if it matters little
    Life is the beauty of the world
    As a rose, it blooms in season
    In it hides the souls of all reasons
    Life is the sun it comes and then goes
    Each life adds something new
    Good or bad is what we make of it

    Life is worth living for
    Sometimes worth dying for,
    but never in life you throw away.
    Each life must be treasured to the very natural end
    copyright © 2012

  • Rookie - 10 Points Naomi Johnson (5/3/2012 3:02:00 PM) Post reply | Read 2 replies

    Never Give Up Pledge

    I pledge I will never give up.
    No matter what the odds may be
    I will still pursue victory.
    Even when it appears I can go no farther.
    I vow I will not allow my life situation to become
    welter.
    For I know I have strength within
    to turn the worlds negative obstacles around to win.
    I will persevere in my downfall
    with humbleness to conquer them all.
    No matter how far I can’t go
    I will never tell myself no.
    Because I will not settle for good enough
    thus I refuse to fall short
    or become mentally distort.
    All of my hard work and dedication
    will not be out of frustration.
    Even if I have to smile through my pain
    I will continue to maintain.

    I will never give up even when no one else believes in
    me because my spirit of inspiration will set me free.
    There is too much talent for me to waste
    so my dream is worthy to chase.


    Since I have a lot I can do
    I will not bite off more than I can chew.
    I will not throw away whatever my heart desires
    but be inspired.
    Even if I think it is someone else rk fault
    I can’t hold them responsible if my success halts.
    I will never give up.
    I have the opportunity to go on
    and not be successfully withdrawn.
    If I give up, I will never know what I am capable of
    in showing myself determination and self-love.
    Nor, will I feel like I could be the best person to live
    with or present the world all I can give.
    I will never give up.

    Replies for this message:
    • Hawkins Rodgers (5/31/2012 9:44:00 AM) Post reply

      I like it, you don't just have rhyme, anyone can force a rhyme, you've also got rhythm and a solid persistent message to boot. Keep it up.

    • Idris Elasha (5/12/2012 10:31:00 AM) Post reply

      It's Hemingway: " But man does not made for defeat, a man may destroyed, but not defeated." .. the modernist are right in objecting against rhyming.I rhyme no more

  • Rookie - 10 Points Katie Nelsen (5/3/2012 10:02:00 AM) Post reply

    When life gets hard, you're always right there.
    To hold my hand, and show you care.
    Even when I thought nothing was going right,
    You always told me, 'Don't give up, Just fight.'
    Even when I thought I couldn't hold on,
    You would always hug me, and say 'Be Strong.'
    That day when I was little, and I couldn't breathe,
    You were right there to comfort me.
    Or the time I was the Pageant Queen,
    You stood up for me, when people were mean.
    I know I act spoiled, and at times can be rude,
    But that's never stopped the love coming from you.
    I know that you love me, and I love you too.
    Thank you for everything.
    Thanks for always coming through.
    I love you.

  • Rookie - 10 Points Vanessa Waltz (4/24/2012 3:38:00 PM) Post reply

    Once

    Once there was potential, promise,
    high hopes from good genes. And
    then there were some early signs that
    supported those hopes. The girl talked at
    9 months in complete sentences, and
    then had to learn how to talk all over
    again once her teeth came in and got
    in the way.

    By all rights, this was something to make
    the parents proud. Who could blame them,
    really, having this talking prodigy pushed
    from the womb of the woman who typed
    the man's PhD on an IBM Selectrix while
    the woman was eight months heavy with child.

    Who could explain when things changed?Was
    it when something broke inside the girl by no
    fault of her own?Or was it something that she
    could have chosen: when some decision triggered
    a chain of other decisions?Decisions that didn't
    reflect those genes or honor the promise of that
    early talking before her little teeth broke
    through those petal pink gums?

    But really, it doesn't really matter when, and
    maybe it only matters why. No one really knows
    for sure, least of all the girl, though it has been the
    topic of many conversations and the reason for
    a letter written by the man, who wondered what
    had gone so wrong. The letter was many pages
    long and it was stained with his tears.

    (Grateful for any critiques or comments. Thank you!)

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