Critiques and Revision
(4/4/2013 4:57:00 PM)
this is actually my first time going for a critique...anyway.
Much More Beauty
Beauty they say lies in the hands of the beholder, bet, I say here it lies in the hands of the shareholder, all I can see and know, is that it's like you crossing a border, it would only be joy to find out what's after the border of beauty.
It seemed to me like I wasn't seeing what I was meant to see; bit by bit I fell for the deceit,
freight caught hold of me with a strong sight, fitness came to me, though like a tack hit.
I say all this, because I've felt one, eyes; like that of a diamond,
flies could not even stand a look at it, iced bloods, ran through my veins at once.
Though I couldn't still believe what I was seeing, thoughts like; who is this?Tampered with my feelings, thorough shock ran through me like that off those that killed ‘tesla', thus, the only way to find out, is to test her.
From a distance, I could hear the sun cry, from that instance, I wandered about giving it a try, yet I asked myself; could this be one of those wonder fly?still, looking at the diamond eyes, and I'm just wanting to go fey.
Then I saw a smile that transits,
I was though still amazed at what I was seeing, that I continued to gaze at the point of forfeit, this must be an intruder to my mind! ! I insist.
I just couldn't fight and resist,
that I almost shouted ‘oh my gosh';
but in her presence I wouldn't try saying such, I must have my stand; I persist.
Never knew that figures applies to people, nervous at first,
because her skin was as fresh as an apple, but that mostly, made me thirst.
Smiling! ! ! All this just feels rumpled, asking, what could this be at this angle?Toggle me, I think I'm falling for a beauty, sorry; ; MUCH MORE BEAUTY.
(4/3/2013 10:39:00 AM)
In sinister havens do they ponder till late With clenched fists do they decide our fate: Who would live and who would die- Like they are our most high. Starving feeds and fattening prices; Weakening us with hunger and all their vices; Destroying the hatched and the unhatched With brute strength unevenly matched. Unleashing deathly pellets on " unconformed voices" ; Lie-ridden mouths dictating choices. From the west drifts the vultures, hovering for spoils; Soon looms an impending feast from this gory toil; Armed for war, are the bloodhounds in green at dawn; With our pens we stand to fight against these guns.
(4/2/2013 9:39:00 AM)
Dear members, your critiques and suggestions mean a step forward in my poem writing, so please, give your honest ideas about my poems.
(3/18/2013 1:13:00 PM)
am Amanda Daniel i like your profile,
i am interested in you please contact me
to my email.(firstname.lastname@example.org)
so that i can tell you all about me thank you.
don't contact me on this site because i don't
use to be online every day.
(3/18/2013 5:08:00 AM)
Please go through my poems and suggest ways to improve.All your criticisms and advice will be most welcome.Thanks a lot! ! !
(3/12/2013 10:50:00 AM)
Hey guys I just write poetry for fun but if you have time could you check out my poems?
Thanks! I'm open to feedback!
(3/12/2013 6:10:00 AM)
Would really appreciate it if anybody could check out my poems particularly the newest ones
(3/5/2013 11:14:00 PM)
I've written a few poems on my blog.
feel free to read and comment if any suggestions.. :)
(3/5/2013 11:10:00 AM)
| Read 1 reply
so i'm fairly new here and this is one of the poems i wrote that i think is pretty good but i would appreciate any comments on it that you could give thank you
he cuts his arms and watched them bleed
saying this is truly the life for me
taking release in the pain of the blade
but for him this is not enough
he needs it to end enough is enough he says
so he takes the pills
goes to sleep
hoping this will be his final release
he wakes the next morning
cry's cause he's still here
thinking why can't it just end
the world would be better if I was wasn't here
then his dad walks into the room
he sees the bottle laying on the floor
he holds back tears and asks him why
he said he was weak and finally broke
his dad sits down on the bed next to him
he looks his soon in the eyes and says this
when I was young I was like you
wanting to die I didn't know what to do
one day I tried to end it all
the next morning my best friend found me laying on the ground
she fell down and cried and wanted to know why
I told her I'm not worth the ground I walk on
so who would care if I was dead
she said many people would care if you were dead
like me your mom your dad and your brother
you have many friends who care a lot for you
if you had to kill yourself in front of them what would you do
at that moment I knew that I was worth the life I was given
if I was gone I would break hundred hearts
so son I hope you can see
that if you were gone it would kill more than just you
it would kill me your mom and all the people who care about you
so next time you feel like killing yourself think about this
if you had to do it in front of the people you care about
would you be able to go through with it
(3/1/2013 3:12:00 AM)
| Read 1 reply
I've just started writing poetry, this is about my fifth poem (haven't showed anyone any of my work before) . Was interested in anyone's thoughts, good or bad - even something I should look into.
Any who, this one I wrote is about smoking and its delicious, albeit debilitating nectar.
My psychological dependence keeps you close,
Never leaving me for a moment too long,
My lungs re-unite with you my friend Trojan,
My body becomes limp, filled with your ecstasy,
My mind becomes a free flowing river,
Connecting tributaries previously unmapped,
I don't want to lose this feeling, please don't leave me,
I become concerned with our distant separation, your absence leaves me reeling,
Unaware of your commitment issues, your promise of return never makes up for your brief stay, I want that feeling, please come back.
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