Critiques and Revision

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  • Rookie - 190 Points Aidan Cost (9/4/2014 7:12:00 AM) Post reply
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    This poem is called Stranger, probably one of my personal favourites of my own works

    " Tell me your story young chestnut brown,
    I've never seen your face, you must be new in town,
    What do these darkened ridges on your hands mean?
    Normally i cant keep a conversation but you seem so keen.
    Explain to me the honeyed tone in your voice,
    I understand this absent minded beauty isn't of choice.
    Does your stomach feel a-flutter,
    alike a fly of butter,
    Well I must bid you good day, its a shame this must end,
    maybe this time tomorrow i can call you 'friend'?
    Walk your path down the evergreen,
    most interesting soul i ever have seen,
    maybe when you pass a another time, you,
    Your journey away will accommodate for two?"

  • Rookie - 257 Points Shane Clawson (8/28/2014 11:26:00 PM) Post reply

    In the darkest corners of my dreams

    I was running away from everything

    that reminded me of you

    the origami heart shapes

    Searching for a breakthrough

    I'll be okay tonight

    I counted sheep to pass the time

    but it doesn't matter, I'm wide awake

    Feels like a wave is crashing over me

    When I'm sinking and nobody cries for help

    I must be brave although I'm still fragile

    Like grandma's trinkets above the fire place

    I'll be okay tonight

  • Rookie - 257 Points Shane Clawson (8/28/2014 11:25:00 PM) Post reply

    Darling darling this world is mess

    A mixture of wealthy corporations

    Selfish bureaucracies slithering for our money

    That melts away like cheap wax

    every time we see commercials ads.

    Darling darling

    I want to cuddle you

    like my new born

    Before you rot in a ditch,

    floating away down the river.

    Bullets that have hatched into bodies

    My body, a plastic bag

    With fingers, lips and eyes.

    Darling darling

    bangs at the door

    black boots standing at the exit

    I shall weep under my bed

    leaving my cereal and orange juice untouched.

    Perhaps I am a tyrannical criminal,

    boot impressions littered around the bodies in the road

    Never the less, I cannot pray for a higher power anymore

    Janjaweed Janjaweed.

  • Gold Star - 14,974 Points Mohammad Skati (8/28/2014 10:01:00 AM) Post reply

    In fact, objectivity and honesty are two good factors in estimating any poem.

  • Gold Star - 14,974 Points Mohammad Skati (8/27/2014 10:55:00 AM) Post reply

    I suggest, great members, that we can pick a certain poem to analyze objectively everyday.

  • Gold Star - 14,974 Points Mohammad Skati (8/27/2014 10:55:00 AM) Post reply

    I suggest, great members, that we can pick a certain poem to analyze objectively everyday.

  • Rookie - 0 Points Marcus Scott (8/25/2014 3:35:00 PM) Post reply

    This is one of the poems from my book " Diary of an Eclectic Heart" (which you can find on, for those who have and use Kindle) . Please let me know what you think.

    The Truth of Oblivion

    At worlds' end, where there's no tomorrow, what lies beyond the timeless veil?
    Will souls ascend, or be plunged into sorrow?Is our final breath our final tale?

    Is paradise a lie to which fools surrender, believed by fearful hearts made weary,
    Captivated by a timeless splendor, to leave behind a world born leery?

    Or is heaven found passed St. Peter’s gates, where time once stopless stands ever still,
    Where eternal life itself awaits, and Eden’s glory shines at will?

    Our finite world with all its treasure, within our hands these things we clasp,
    And with these same hands we aim to measure, to touch a truth beyond our grasp.

    The only truth we know for certain, is that all life's roads will end the same,
    For Death herself drops the final curtain, our very person she comes to claim.

    But until I'm claimed, I continue to live, my thoughts of death for now ignored,
    Regardless of the gift the beyond may give, though oblivion itself could be my reward.

  • Rookie - 60 Points Imoh Richard (8/25/2014 11:39:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    my first hunter poem.......need the criticking... please

    Come on children, lets sing a song
    Come on children, lets sing a song
    Lets sing of fields soo green
    Lets sing of sky so blue
    Lets sing of happy birds clapping feathers so hued

    Come on children, lets sing a song
    Lets sing of the earth so great
    Lets sing of heroes decades a gone
    Whose brave legs troded the soil beneath our feet

    Come on children, lets sing a song
    Lets sing of the ocean so vast
    Lets sing of the whale basking in the sun
    Of crocs with an open mouth
    Waiting for the next meal
    God saves the unwary prey

    Come on children, lets sing a song
    Of the wonders all around
    Lets sing pocohontas song
    With the voices of the mount
    Lets sing of the colours all around
    Painting visions even davinci cant

    Come on children, lets sing a song
    Of mother nature and her alone
    Come on children, lets sing a song
    Our last for mother earth
    The sky is dark
    Fields ablaze in reddish inferno
    Chirping birds roasting in the heat
    Or in furnace of the VIP

    Come on children, lets sing a song
    For its about to rain
    But Alas, its not a rain
    For mother mature cries
    And we,
    Only we
    Will get flooded by her tears

    Come on children
    Lets sing a dirge
    For alas, we sing
    A song we will never sing again.

    …………….. Imoh Richard.

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie - 60 Points Melikhaya Zagagana (8/30/2014 8:52:00 AM) Post reply

      I think it is a beautiful piece Richard you can go ahead and post more i would like to read them.

  • Gold Star - 14,974 Points Mohammad Skati (8/23/2014 9:48:00 AM) Post reply

    If I criticize or comment on a certain poem, I want to pay attention to other members to be objective or at least not to take personal stand........ Criticism is great when achieving its aim. Thanks.

  • Gold Star - 14,974 Points Mohammad Skati (8/22/2014 4:29:00 AM) Post reply

    Critics are welcome if they estimate any poem only objectively to make good relations with other members. Thanks.

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