Critiques and Revision

Transparent Golem

In a cold of space there is no sound
That in mischief can be found.

Prank on those who think it's not
Just another scoundrel act.

Hurt on those who can't adapt.
They must perish or be trapped.

Look alike their dreams must be.
Deuce won't sleep, so why won't thee.

Keeping sane - it is not hard,
'cause in space there is no sound.

The curved body I saw,
Shaped with sublimity to owe,
Eyes not ready to miss a sight,
The desire to praise the whole night.
Running through the door,
Glance of the shadow on the floor,
Delusion to stay with the shadow,
Cherish the conquered phase.
A blush and your turning red cheek,
The most sweetest thing to live for,
I will be living for the moment to be yours.
Passion to bring back the broken pieces,
Your sublime look making it harder,
Born with the exquisite smile,
Privilege of being yours is all I want.
Tonight, Turn your back waiting to adore you all the time,
The reason to have memories is you as mine,
A downpour of love is met,
Your heart is pure to be mine but I promise to be the forever royalty.

Mystical song

By Geongs Zhern(??)2012.11.30
http://blog.sciencenet.cn/blog-289142-637979.html
author's blog: http://blog.sciencenet.cn/u/warlong

Yu! It’s dark and dark, quiet and quiet,

Has it disappeared or existed?

Oh! It’s phantom and phantom,

It originally had no name.



Who have mixed it to form a whole?

I feel like something flowing is so cool!



It can be so small that have no inside,

but they are in the same state;

It can be so large that have no outside,

this is super-symmetrical universe.



If it only has space but no time,

this is so-called the beginning;

If the volume is limited but no border,

this is so-called occult.



Getting stationary has no direction,

so the initial number is the pure quantity;

Quantum tunnel through potential barrier,

and conformate the magical superfield.



Perhaps global entanglement was at the beginning,

just it dominated the singularity of Taiji;

Vacuum ripple by interfering and perturbation,

so universal gravitation be present in it.



Among fluctuations of the field of vacuum,

quantum bubbles are spinning;

Between zero and one,

quantum information be transmitting.



Each point in space follows the same rule,

and their metric keep covariant;

The observation in any directions is uniformity,

and their distribution follow the fractal law;



The cosmic brane is inflating constantly,

those galaxies fly away us after redshift rule;

In the cosmic microwave background,

Be still echoing the music of Big Bang.



Ah! Though the vacuum is so unreal,

the quintessence exist in it after all;

Oh! If the intuition see through everything,

we can wander with Dao freely.

False Love

Have you ever wanted someone that they controlled what you did?
Have you ever chased something that turned out myth?
Have you ever had a reality that was not shared?
Have you ever felt magic that was not paired?
Did you see honesty within her when she looked in your eyes?
How did it feel when you knew it had been lies?
Have you ever felt that your world seemed complete?
How did it feel when it turned out a cheat?
Did you ever think someone could be so cold?
When you were warned by others,
But disagreed with the mould.
When you make a bed in your thoughts questioning how could this be?
Your chest feels heavy,
How could this happen to me?
When you look for her picture,
Scan you phone,
Are you all alone?
‘Stop it at once I say! ’
Just give it some time,
Open the curtains to a new pantomime.
For life holds so many wonders to be wrapped up in hurt,
So pick up your shoes,
And shake of the dirt.
Go to sleep each day,
When you awake it will feel better,
Soon you will look back,
And not regret that day when you met her.

HI. I just added my newest write. It is called " The Feeling Within" .., if you have time I have very few poems but if you would like to read and comment on them you are more than welcome. I love feedback. I am new at this and it actually helps motivate me in a way.

" The Feeling Within"

I wish I could tell you what I feel when I am around anyone but me.

Its true... I feel every emotion they are feeling, at that moment you see.

I must say at times it is amazing, other peoples emotions dancing through my skin,

The love, the excitement, the comforting energy that flows deep within.

But, I am here to write for a reason, to let all the pain inside out,

If not for my words to write you see, i'd be lost without a doubt.

I feel like I am lost, lost somewhere mixed in with all of you,

I can no longer tell which are mine anymore, which emotions are really true.

There are not enough words in my vocabulary to describe what your feelings are doing to me,

I wish you could keep them to yourself sometimes, stay out of my bubble and allow me to be.

I won't blame you, because I know, that it is completely out of your hands,

This is something that I would never wish for.. It was never a part of my plans.

It's not only the joy and love inside of anyone who comes close to me,

There's also the fear, the hurt, and the pain, I'm ready to run and flee.

I feel it all from good to bad, I need to learn how to turn it down,

For fear of my own emotions getting lost, they are quickly beginning to drown.

Thank you for any feedback in advance!

I would appreciate any advice or constructive critisism on my poem that you can give. Thank you!


We Write On

We've been scolded, scorned, warned,
Yet, still, we write on.

We've been beaten, whipped, tortured,
Yet, still, we write on.

We've been rounded up, jailed, exiled,
Yet, still, we write on.
" Why continue?" We're often asked.
" Why punish yourself with the pen?"

" You know you'll be scolded or beaten or jailed,
" So why press on and face the consequences?"

The answer lies not in the words we write,
But in the life they give us.

Who doesn't want immortality?
Greater men have died for it.

Those who write the truth, no matter the cost,
Will live in his words until the world ends.

So, for as long as there are the pen and paper,
We will always write on

I would very much like it if someone could critique my poem. It's always good to know what I can improve on.


What Is Life?

What is life?
Fire light,
a question asked,
a layered mask
of fear and thought and love,
of the dove
the one that flies
asking whys
as it glides on broken wings.

Oh, he sings,
and it rings
and it lingers in the air
past the fair
golden hair of a lion.
And he's cryin'
and he's livin' for the kill
and the spill
of the blood.

A bleeding flood
seeping down
past the frown
upon the face
of a women dressed in lace,
of the chase of the land
in the sand
waterfall
leaping, dying all
a rusty red.

In my head,
oh the light
in the eyes of the life
always fight for the everlasting will!
Makes no sence, take the pill
brings a sail of golden hope
to be crushed, washed with soap,
clean and dead.

Oh the river's full of lead,
dark and flowing
poison glowing,
specked with gold
in the mold
sold for life
but worth nothing, strife
is what it brings.

And still he sings!
The broken dove
who brings love,
and tears away
another day
we will die
and leap through the sky
to an abyss,
to the mist.
to the lost and the forgotten,
the spoiled and the rotten
underground.

Never found,
never thought,
life has left and sought
out newer, better forms
in the empty,
never tempt me
to burn again.

Put out by rain,
I've been slain by the knife.

What is life?

any criticism and revision on this piece will be appreciated...


Chance

A tap on the shoulders recklessly
tempting are the stranger paths,
fate beckons that intrepid adventurer in me.

As i peep into the realms unknown,
worthy soul is wooed and the quest begins.
Twin spirits of Romance and Adventure is sown.

Pray! Engage with wit and verve it said,
into this enigma called Romance,
aimlessly and uncalculatingly forging ahead.

Seek perils, seek mystery, the clues of adventure,
and all that is slipped into your fingers.
Nay, not for fame or crown, name or treasures.

And then, perchance, you will see,
splendid figures seeking the golden fleece
was specious in its entirety.

Hey I just uploaded some new poems and i'd love if you could read them and post your comments! I'd love your advice!

My name is Anna Writer. I write many poems and stories.
My Christmas themed poem " Christmas it Be" , is about the loss of a loved one during the Christmas season.
I would appreciate any comments and reviews. Thank you.

" Christmas it Be"
Thick snow falls from the sky,
But no one cries for the man who did die.
He is forgotten, it is too sad to see,
After all, Christmas it be.

Let the bells ring and the carollers sing!
Deck the halls and flock the malls.
Load your arms with gifts and lift;
The spirits of your fellow man!
Don't dare think of how it all began…

Occupy your mind with thoughts of meats and sweets!
Of presents yet to come,
Sweet plums and noisy drums,
Anything to drown out the screaming in your mind,
You try and find silence and prey for some kind of kindness.
You look to mankind, him, her and me;
After all, Christmas it be.

Forget your woes when water froze,
He will no longer bear upon your mind
You've left his memory long behind.
He is forgotten, it is too sad to see,
After all, Christmas it be.