Treasure Island

Critiques and Revision

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  • Ella Pitt (3/18/2014 5:32:00 PM) Post reply


    Systematically I scratched at a
    Stubborn residue, insignificant but
    Annoyingly present.
    But I wasn't really scratching
    Away at that sticky fleck of molecular matter
    I was watching the
    Malleable plasticine faces on
    The insides of my eyelids.
    And listening to the nauseatingly
    Muffled intonations from
    The insides of my walls
    Wishing I could sink my
    Fingers into my own
    Obstinately unmoving features.
    Or tickle the string of my
    Vocal chords into submission.
    Until my own muffles were coersed
    Brought up from a
    Stinging acidic pool.
    Accumulated from carbonated water
    And dissolved sweetener.
    I feel the fabric around me
    Become tepid and callous
    Its no longer healing
    It is finite polyester

  • Ella Pitt (3/18/2014 5:31:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply


    A congealed epidermis.
    My repugnant antagonist.
    Two hundred milliliters at
    Ten forty five.
    Two hundred milliliters at
    Three thirty.
    Just in case the emetic scent
    Had evaded my nostrils.
    Or the diaphonous film
    Was no longer clinging to
    My tonsils generating
    Glutinous saliva.
    I have the self sufficiency of
    An overflowing bin
    Begging to be relieved of
    The soiled nappies and the
    Mildew food packages that
    Fill its cavity.
    Every day I put it in the microwave
    For an extra minute
    Hoping that the boiling temperature
    Will incinerate the impurity
    That lies dorment but like mould
    On my much too long tongue.
    It leers at me.
    Lecherous and toadying villain.
    So I stir it with a spoon
    That sweats with condensation

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  • Zane Tyree (3/18/2014 6:05:00 AM) Post reply


    You are my life, my soul, and my heart.
    Without you I have no reason to carry on.
    With you I can help those around me live.

    I am your armor.
    You are my sword.
    Without you I am weak.
    With you I am invincible.

    As I grow in life you grow with me.
    When I'm drowning in the darkness; you are my light,
    As you dwindle in the face of others,
    I stand for you.

    I shall never fall with you there,
    Others will fall into darkness.

    I must become you to save them.
    I must be their armor and their sword.
    I shall guide them to the light.
    Forever and always until we fade.

  • Zev Davis (3/18/2014 5:20:00 AM) Post reply

    " As King David prided himself before the Holy Ark, " I learned from everyone that taught me anything" , and as our Sages tell us, " He that is wise, learns from everyone, " (Pele Yoetz, Scorn,2)

    Life glides across like a pen,
    whose nib fills with ink each day
    gathers experience along the way
    on blank paper, records events.

    A bump and grind, a derriere
    faces me, as if a smile,
    no matter, rather that revile
    than some hard, cold bitter stare,

    one more lesson, out on a road
    than soft rich earth smooths the path,
    feels good, like swimming on a swath
    of straight and narrow, easily trod

    gathering everything that we know,
    details of existence, compile the, take
    each part, a chain of memories, breaks
    in pieces, passing through, bestow

    patience and kindness, what we see
    pleasant otherwise, listen and learn,
    no matter where, not time to spurn
    what we traverse, wherever we be.

    Zev Davis

  • Andrew Ferguson (3/15/2014 7:10:00 AM) Post reply


    Today, was unlike any of the others,
    Steps knew no bounds,
    Tunes intuitively sound,
    High horseman stepped down,
    For fate introduced two singles, too lovers

    My First, a son, my child’s Mother,
    First birthday, cheap clown
    First stumble, first frown
    First “Burger King” crown
    A love which I smother

    Unexpected, having not sought her
    In bound, on bored, first ride into town,
    Frustrations definitions, now found
    “Happy Meals” now, cheap toys with no crowns,
    My life with a daughter

    Rhodes a little dustier now,
    Rebellious and loud,
    Opinions, ignorance, pot clouds,
    What have I allowed?
    What did I do wrong?

    Yet now a dustier road,
    Money pits
    Pests out of the house,
    Peace, quite
    Champagne and cheese for the house mannered mouse
    Frequent, less frequent
    Less phone calls home,
    To this mouse friendly abode,
    I miss the chaos, I miss the wrestles I miss being “dad”
    They have left,
    I want them home.

    Flesh underground
    Soon heeding the Piper, soon heed to fate
    Looking back at the bruises, the tears, those first frowns
    Surprised by two miracles, first life, unbound, now bound
    Hospice, now, sleep soon eternally sound,
    Two of my kin in which I am proud
    Those leading years in the clouds led up until now,
    Two gifts of life, both spoken aloud
    Next stop the king, the one with the real “kings” crown
    Life was perfect in the ups, and remained up in the downs,
    At peace,
    Passing on
    Elated with peace, a soul heavenly found

  • Andrew Ferguson (3/15/2014 2:11:00 AM) Post reply

    Hearts of the unbroken

    Just know that I care,
    That’s all that should matter,
    It’s that love that we’ve shared,
    So let us reflect on the latter.

    Timid hides behind expression,
    The feelings I have for her,
    It’s having been without you,
    That’s made me the sadder,

    Breaches in trust,
    Love sunk emotion,
    For ours was no lust,
    Fathoms measured by oceans,
    It’s our love that we’ve shared,
    In which holds meaningful devotion,

    We stayed true to fates giving,
    Now left alone, set apart,
    No choice but to keep living,
    For we carry oceans measured by fathoms, in heart,

    Seeing sights fortune, that which bestows us,
    Futures beholding,
    Moving forward,
    Hopes holding,

    So in walking trust
    We so stage for fates molding.
    Held with the knowing
    That what we see as showing

    Together Life shares as one,
    Although parted, left unfolding,
    The weight on guilt, shamefully with holding,
    Despite feeling like tons
    It’s less than others loathing

    Reflections of our past, over takes me,
    The glad,
    The sad,
    And even the Angry,
    Memories we both have had.
    It’s the truth of life and what it’s sold me,
    It’s what’s been had, I will hold closest, you see?
    For I will always keep faith in obtainment,
    Not just for I but also for thee
    Never lonely, when together, you see?
    Too me it is “an obviously”

    Despite miles in measure, that of which keeping “distance”,
    Feelings light as a feather,
    It’s how we insist this,
    For there is not another,
    Not one,
    Nor the other,
    That can break our loves tether
    In life,
    Still one together,

    So, let us look at perceptions,
    Self introspective sight,
    Both of us alike,
    What’s keeping the pain?
    Remember the strife?

    Strength is what we’ll find that keeps “us” alive,
    Let’s work on “us”,
    Individual certainty will keep us at strive,
    Giving us “life”
    One less of “demise”,
    With joyful tears and welling eyes,
    Life’s offerings of rendition,
    Loves song to the skies

  • Yash Shinde Rookie - 1st Stage (3/14/2014 10:55:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Ready for a kiss did sun rose,
    gleaming, shimmering in the April sky,
    had set to bloom bouquets of love,
    a rose among them caught my eye...

    And made me notice for the first time
    the alluring blooms of Angoora van,
    and the dew drops running down her curves,
    glistening in the golden sun....

    They evanesced in the air, left her crimson petals free
    a fragrance in air did she spread,
    the mist left bare a blossom of love,
    ...covered in carmine hues of red...

    And I did feel with my hands,
    the seraph, seraph touch of rose
    In blooms, in showers in waning crescents
    ...made she place in every prose.

    The hand that penned ran across her curves,
    drip-drip the blood it shed...
    ran across a prickly thorn,
    through hands that never hadst wept.

    Left a scar, an impression of love
    deep where no blade could reach,
    I sealed the cracks, oh fool I was,
    dug behind a deeper breach..

    For the kiss awaited was never delivered,
    tears did shed O! mighty earth
    had set to fire myriad hues,
    and had shut close each bud till next birth...

    There as remnant in the carmine flesh of mine,
    the deep impression of the barb did stay.
    ...Love never ends sans pain,
    But ends here the Rosy lay..

    ......................................................................I would be glad to receive your views and suggestions, regards-yash shinde

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    • Andrew Ferguson (3/15/2014 2:21:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

      Good job man, I am no Poe, nor am i a poet of scholar in any sense, but I was picking up on what you were laying down. In contempt to the views of my own withholding, I enjoyed reading your heart writ ... more

  • Andrew Ferguson Rookie - 1st Stage (3/14/2014 10:16:00 AM) Post reply

    Impeding Self therapy

    Fighting for love is compared to the breathless gasping of air,
    The thought of living without an essential need,
    Instills Panic and fear,
    For when ones thoughts take over reason and logic,

    Left blank,
    Without one thought about it.

    Revelations strike close to relevant problems,
    Answers so near,
    Too close to have sought them,
    It’s not the air in deprive,
    Which led to demise,

    More so,

    The imposing sight of the eye,
    Of judgments, of cry,
    Those negative lies,

    Emotions involved
    Those of dark harrowing mind states,
    Irrational scares down tunnels of mind-cape.

    In moral,

    That which we think will truly seed thought,
    The length of our suffering,
    Ben paid for,
    Ben bought.
    So less stricken the mind of such it not need,
    Recollection of appreciated breaths, of worthy heed

    Let us breathe,

    Falls in positive direction
    Waters, wash mind,
    Cultivation begins with seed,
    Don't flush thoughts
    Remind self whats been bought,
    And don't hold your breath.

  • Kathleen Neff Rookie - 1st Stage (3/11/2014 10:23:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Hey everyone i haven't came up with a new poem yet but here is one of my other ones that needs to be looked at. Comment below if you like it or if I should change anything Thanks and this is " Come sing with me."

    Come sing with me,
    Under the trees,
    Where the birds sing,
    And the leaves fall around,
    while the branches cover the sun.
    Come sing with me under the trees.

    Come sing with me,
    In the meadow,
    where the grass is green,
    and where the flowers reach for the sun.
    Where the deer graze,
    and the butterflies flutter.
    Come sing with me among the meadow.

    Come sing with me,
    By the sea,
    where the waves touch the shore in a loving embrace,
    and the sand settles upon the shore.
    Where the fish live under the sea,
    Jumping up to see.
    Come sing with me by the sea

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    • Frank Ovid Rookie - 1st Stage (3/11/2014 1:18:00 PM) Post reply

      Nice Kathleen! Great meter and you're rhythm is perfect.

  • Phoebe Harris Rookie - 1st Stage (3/5/2014 1:24:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Click, click.
    Books full of brick blocks of text,
    Full of inscrutable sentences,
    Full of jumbled letters, numbers, figures.

    Click, click.
    Words cascade into my mind,
    Held for a moment of intense concentration,
    Then seeping, leaking, escaping.

    Click, click.
    Eyes blurry with forced focus,
    Steel shutters clamping them together,
    Onto swollen purple pillows.

    Click, click.
    Pulsating vexation,
    Why isn’t it going in?
    You’re not ready.
    You’re going to fail.

    Inhale, rip, exhale.

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