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Dr Syed Anwar Yarkhan Jilani
Male, 67, India
(6/1/2012 9:14:00 PM)
Would you consider this a poem?How can it be improved, please?
Humility and love are precisely the graces
That Man of understanding healthy faces.
Find occasions for practicing humbleness -
Where words and acts combine like laces.
Meekness, lowness of the heart should be
Making it object of special tradition to be.
To rise perpetually begin by descending
Lay the foundation of your tower to be.
God descends to you as water flows down
Bestow peace and riches without a frown.
The unseen gracious hand of God keeps
You afloat and shall never let you down.
The evidence of having a spiritual maturity
Is an awareness of your rational impunity.
Many hypocrites in some sense are in sight
Perhaps it was a transition to your delight.
Humility is freedom from your own ego
A de-stressing exercise devised long ago.
Confuse not fear cowardice and insecurity
As these have nothing to do with humility.
The labor of self love is a profound one
Efforts needed to protect from burning sun.
Take no delight in the vain praise of men
You are the doctor, the drug and solace.
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Locura Alaam
(6/8/2012 11:03:00 AM)
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Yes; I would consider it a poem.
You are good, your poem is good; I enjoyed reading the lines one after another with an interesting flow.
However, I couldn't help but notice that your first three stanzas follow " aaba" for a rhyme scheme, the next two stanzas follow " aabb" , while in the last one...the last line goes off the rhyme.
Do not get me wrong, it is NOT a problem, but I find that it always adds a good touch to the poem when the poem is very well structures all throughout.
That, is my suggestion, based on what I believe contributed to make the poem more appealing to the ears and eyes of the audience.
On a final note; I would not tell you to " change" that poem, since I am well aware that it might affect it's beauty, but you may use my suggestion for future poems, as I believe.
I hope my reply helps, let me know if you might need more help.
Regards,
Locura
