Critiques and Revision

Pieter Van Der Walt South Africa (7/24/2012 7:23:00 AM)

carnival

when all is said and done
and nothing has been said nor done
I offer you my carnal thoughts
a joyride through the electrochemical circuit of my mind

come hold my hand
this carnival comes but once
reason and treason are running circles through my mind
scattered vomit on the canvas of my heart

come on this psychedelic trip
of self-loathing narcissism
wrapped in cotton candy
it’s really not that bad

when all is said and done
and nothing has been said nor done
I offer you a day in the eternal sunshine
of my spotless mind

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Bryan Marshall (7/30/2012 8:06:00 AM) Post reply
I really like this poem. I like the echoing of 'circuit of my mind' and 'circles through my mind', and all the words that begin with a hard 'c'. I wonder if you could have more carnival imagery (obviously still being subtle) just to bring the whole poem together? Also, just being pedantic, should the words 'nor' in the first and last stanzas simply be 'or'?

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