Treasure Island

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Jessie Knaggs United States (3/5/2013 11:10:00 AM)

so i'm fairly new here and this is one of the poems i wrote that i think is pretty good but i would appreciate any comments on it that you could give thank you

he cuts his arms and watched them bleed
saying this is truly the life for me
taking release in the pain of the blade
but for him this is not enough
he needs it to end enough is enough he says
so he takes the pills
goes to sleep
hoping this will be his final release

he wakes the next morning
cry's cause he's still here
thinking why can't it just end
the world would be better if I was wasn't here

then his dad walks into the room
he sees the bottle laying on the floor
he holds back tears and asks him why
he said he was weak and finally broke
his dad sits down on the bed next to him
he looks his soon in the eyes and says this

when I was young I was like you
wanting to die I didn't know what to do
one day I tried to end it all
the next morning my best friend found me laying on the ground
she fell down and cried and wanted to know why
I told her I'm not worth the ground I walk on
so who would care if I was dead

she said many people would care if you were dead
like me your mom your dad and your brother
you have many friends who care a lot for you
if you had to kill yourself in front of them what would you do
at that moment I knew that I was worth the life I was given
if I was gone I would break hundred hearts

so son I hope you can see
that if you were gone it would kill more than just you
it would kill me your mom and all the people who care about you
so next time you feel like killing yourself think about this
if you had to do it in front of the people you care about
would you be able to go through with it

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  • Jillian Ward (3/12/2013 11:01:00 AM) Post reply

    Very moving and emotional, however consider making the message more powerful with word choice. Great job though!

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