Critiques and Revision

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Yash Shinde Yash Shinde Male, 17, India (3/14/2014 10:55:00 PM)

Ready for a kiss did sun rose,
gleaming, shimmering in the April sky,
had set to bloom bouquets of love,
a rose among them caught my eye...

And made me notice for the first time
the alluring blooms of Angoora van,
and the dew drops running down her curves,
glistening in the golden sun....

They evanesced in the air, left her crimson petals free
a fragrance in air did she spread,
the mist left bare a blossom of love,
...covered in carmine hues of red...

And I did feel with my hands,
the seraph, seraph touch of rose
In blooms, in showers in waning crescents
...made she place in every prose.

The hand that penned ran across her curves,
drip-drip the blood it shed...
ran across a prickly thorn,
through hands that never hadst wept.

Left a scar, an impression of love
deep where no blade could reach,
I sealed the cracks, oh fool I was,
dug behind a deeper breach..

For the kiss awaited was never delivered,
tears did shed O! mighty earth
had set to fire myriad hues,
and had shut close each bud till next birth...

There as remnant in the carmine flesh of mine,
the deep impression of the barb did stay.
...Love never ends sans pain,
But ends here the Rosy lay..

......................................................................I would be glad to receive your views and suggestions, regards-yash shinde

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  • Rookie Andrew Ferguson (3/15/2014 2:21:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply
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    Good job man, I am no Poe, nor am i a poet of scholar in any sense, but I was picking up on what you were laying down. In contempt to the views of my own withholding, I enjoyed reading your heart written release of emotion, of feelings. Thanks for your post man!

    P.S. Next time make sure to use " super glue" on torn carmine by thorn roses :)

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