Abigail Hauschild

I don't want to live like this
I need to feel close to someone
But I can't pay the price
I'll settle for the physical
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Old habits are hard to break
Each repeated lie and every misrepresentation of my soul
Adds a bar to my cage
This cell of my own making is impossible to escape
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I've written letters to you in my mind
These letters explain everything so beautifully
Making it impossible for you to stay mad or hurt or distant
If you only read them
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What happens to love…
When a father becomes a child?
What happens to love…
When promises can't be trusted?
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I am starving for sun
Thirsting for rain
Restless for spring
Anxious for winters end
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Through this ink is the only way I know how to bleed
For you are poison coursing through my veins
And no amount of bloodletting could rid my heart of you
You are my personal brand of heroine
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Why do you store up your kindness for strangers
Merely passing through your life's stage
When I've been with you for decades
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How did my life get so claustrophobic?
I’m standing naked in a glass room but the walls are closing in
A skeleton pretending she’s alive for an audience who doesn’t care if it’s true
People see the show they want to see
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I know by all the little things
The things so mundane most people don’t notice
I know by the metaphors
How a laugh turns into a firework
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The thing you must understand
Is that these are just the musings
Of a fragmentary girl
In a kaleidoscope world
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I can't trust my memory
I don't even know how I feel most of the time
People, Situations, and Feelings
Blur into one massive mess
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'I'm good. I swear'
I repeat more often than I probably should
Maybe it's not as much of a red flag
A little more believable than 'I'm fine.'
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The maiden of the night
And her pale face
Sat envious of the sun's soft light
As it melted away the darkness
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I used to write tortured prose…
Words dripping with regret rolled off my tongue
Every letter like a sponge soaked in pain… oozing black ink blood
But now the pen has run dry
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My thoughts are wild tonight
Every whisper a vine
wrapping around my sanity
Growing stronger and tighter
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I don't know when it happened
But I'm split in two
Is it your fault?
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Take me home to the chaos
I'm drowning in these still waters
I need the rage and crash
Of angry waves
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There's always been darkness
And light trying to cast it out

I carry my darkness like a teddy bear
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I'm living in a world encased in glass
There are people who love me
But they can't reach me
Their touch feels cold
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