Dylan Daniels

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Disquietude Of Life

The thing is..

People will never understand the way you're feeling. Yes you'll get the odd 'No I fully understand your pain'. But the truth is, they don't. Even if they went through the exact same experience. Your inner being and flurry of emotions differs so much that it is evidentally impossible to even match to someone in that sense.

You will never ever know what it's like. The pain, the hurt, the dying sorrow, the endless heartache.

No. You just can't compare it to anyone. That person who is asked to buy a meal for someone and then immediately having a panic attack becuase you dont want to mess this up, so you make all the necessary plans to make sure you get the right order. You even write it down on a piece of paper. You try and recite the order so that when you get to the part of placing the order, you won't fail. It becomes a mission among many other daily missions that we are tasked with.

You struggle with eye contact. You walk away from situations that just drain your energy so much that all you really want to do is be alone. Being alone is cool but has its demons.

You immediately start to think, Did I do Okay today? Did I hug that person a bit too tight? Did that cashier notice when I couldn't look her in the eye to simply say 'Yes I'd like a bag please'.

Most times you just try and isolate yourself from everything and everyone. Try and hide away from the world until everything fades away for at least a little while but it never really does. Does it?

Imagine a feeling where every morning you leave the house but you've already used up all your energy thinking about how to overcome each situation you might face on the day.

Imagine a feeling of total uneasiness and muscle tension when faced with simple tasks like having to go into a store just to return an item and quickly explain the issue.

It feels as if the whole world is just doing it's utmost to conspire against you. Mental exhaustion is an everyday thing which you kind of learn to cope with but to a certain extent ofcourse.

People at times will try to understand what's going on, why worry about things that haven't happened or why any thoughts just seem to make you feel unhappy and the most famous answer will always be 'I Don't Know'. Mainly because you have lost the will power to even answer such a simple question, or the frequency of it being asked has become too much already and you're just tired of it all.

It really is no joke. So don't come at me saying I should pull myself together. No.

Don't tell me to join in on a conversation that I really can't face willingly. Don't force situations on people who, even without saying anything, gave you an exact indication that this, is NOT what they want to do. Respect their decisions. We are all trying. We really are.

You dont know what it's like to have to walk down a street and be so self conscious that you keep on thinking about someone staring at you through a window or something, Or worse, having to run into someone you know or don't know and having to make conversation that you obviously havent planned for. Because that's what you do constantly just to get through the day.

You don't know what it's like to have to answer or even make a call that you didn't wana make. You begin to shake and breathe faster with each dying second of that phone call, and even putting the phone down immediately becomes a very tempting option.

Please understand that most times, my thoughts and feelings are irrational. Im are just unable to think and believe rationally.

We are fragile humans. All just trying to make it to the next hour of this tiring day.

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