Jef L33

To my children
My future
May you find happiness
In this world of darkness
...

I don't like roller coasters. But every fair has one. Its always some large dragon of a thing, twisting and winding its way in the center of the park. The sound of the tracks roaring overhead, a wave of screams that comes and goes like the wind. And in the end, it comes to a stop, while everyone stumbles out drained and disoriented.
But for that brief moment, as I catch a glimpse of them all, screaming at the top of their lungs. I want to be like that. I want to be like them. Happy.
So I go to the back of the line that seems to stretch further than the ride itself. And wait. One thing I don't like is the waiting. Nothing to do but to stare at the front of the line, as happy couples, friends, and family all excitedly get inside. Nothing to do but wait. Standing in the hot sun, as a brief shadow passes overhead, follow by a wind of screams.
After an eternity of waiting, it's finally my turn. The seats smell of freshly wiped vomit, the buckle always feels just a little too loose, and before I know it, the cart begins to move.
...

Walking around the old schoolyard
Watching forgotten faces play in the field
Dashing every which way
As a memory of laughter fills the air
...

I cast the first stone
Into calm waters
Watching the ripples
Slowly grow and fade
...

Lives are remembered
As words are written
Words are forgotten
As time moves on
...

The life we lived
And the lives we wanted
Are all but footprints
In the ever shifting sands
...

I remember…
Her pouty red lips, when she wouldn’t get her way
The blush in her cheeks when her hand grazed mine
The freshly picked hibiscus that clung in her hair
...

Bold cursive silver letters
Etched onto a plain black cover
Labeling what I am
But not who I am
...

The sunset fades beyond the broken shores
As the night rises like a shadowed dawn
And deafened by the rhythmic crash and roar
Where my hopeless love and lies did doth spawn
...

Why do I still think of you?
When the nights are cold and long
As I toss and turn
Remembering the warmth of your face
...

When I was a child, young and small, the world was black and white.
Friends and strangers came and went like a child flipping through a picture book.
Sometimes I would find one face that stood out from all the rest,
But the pages would just keep on flipping, and they were lost all the same.
...

My dream is a flame
Flickering through the night
Slowly melting away
The realities of my mind
...

Blowing out the smoke
As if they were all my troubles
And watching them all
Quickly drift and fade away
...

A shoebox full of dusty memories
Full of bad poems and faded pictures
That should have been burned years ago
...

I'm not going to lie. I have thought about ending it, many, many, times. But surprisingly I'm still here. No matter how bad the feelings get. No matter how bad I want to yell from the depths of my soul. No matter how bad I want to tear and gnaw the skin from my flesh. Or want to break my fist against the hard surface of the world.
I am still here. Still waking up in the middle of the night. Still lying in the darkness, listening to the wind and rain against the window pain. Still waking up from the worlds of old faces and from lives that were never meant to be. I am still here. I am still here. I am still here.
It has been years since my last confession. Or maybe more truthfully. This is my first. I am torn between hating the world, and wishing I could save it. I am still in love with her. But at the same time I know, I am not in love with her. I am in love with the fiction of her I created. The fiction of the memories, as well as my own unquenched desires. Growing and fading throughout the long stretches of years, trying to grasp old memories, moments when we were almost together. And trying to forget everything else in between. The sweaty hands, the endless hours of staring up at the clouds and blue sky, trying not to look at her, Always trying to figure out what to say, what to say, what to say. Always imagining that she might have felt the same. As we sat alone in that old school parking lot day after day.
It's funny how I always think back to those moments. When life begins to dim. And always wish that I could have gone back and said something, anything. Just so I could have seen where the path would have taken us. I know deep down it probably wouldn't have worked out. I know that she would have still found someone else. I know that we would still end up going our separate ways. And that everything would have ended up the exact same way it has now. But deep inside, I still wanted to try. I still want to try. But it's too late. Much too late. And it is something I will hold in me till the day I die. But for now, I am still here.
...

You are my unicorn, always just out of reach
You are my dragon, fearsome and strong
You are my angel, kind and beautiful
You are my demon, revealing all of my flaws
...

I know one day, some day
I’ll meet her
Walking down on some
Destined street
...

I once knew a girl
So very long ago
With her wavy brown hair
And eyes that sparkled so
...

I wish I could slam my fist against the walls of the world
The sound of my bones shattering like glass
And blood flowing like lava from the open wound
As my body quivers and shakes from the pain
...

Fighting my demons night after night
On the battlefields of broken dreams
I want her so much I want to scream and shout
But I know it was never meant to be
...