Pauline Levesque

You asked me if I knew what I had done
How I pushed the knife deep and cut your heart wide open....
to bleed...
pieces of your broken heart falling to the floor.
...

Unicorns and horses run wild and free
I lie down in a field of Kentucky green grass and run my fingers through the blue blades
as they tickle my fingers....
I can only see your silhouette as you stand over me, the sunlight blinds me from seeing your face,
...

Oh I miss the lips that electrify mine,
The pull and tug on my nipples,
The scars that I trace with my finger tips...
I remember all that is beautiful about you.
...

Do you see me on the other side... a whole human being with my wings glued on by a thread?
My hands held out to you but slapped as if I had committed a terrible transgression.
Do you love my layers, my weaknesses, my strength, my heart....
I tell you and you don't hear, I listen but you don't speak..truth hangs in the air just out of reach, shrouded by the past, by secrets, by what you have become by what you believe.
...

I touched her skin and she let me.
Mapping her small flaws and imperfections with my finger tips..
She asked if I came back because she was familiar
and I breathed in her scent... my tongue gently tasted her,
...

Enchanted by your smile, I watch you move in grace and
Determination
I sit by your door, breathing in the sweet air of spring….
One leg dangling over the arm of a chair….
...

except the soft crease of her cheek as she smiles,
I no nothing of the nuances and subtleties of love
except that when I hold her, I am at home and loved.
I am short tempered, cruel at times and still dancing with the demons
...

She is an enigma to me.
An innocent with a suit of armor.
Restlessness, dissatisfaction….a sadness…
It always surrounds her
...

It is nipping at my heals.
Images of my death in various ways play out in front of my eyes.
One scenario is from pills and my lifeless body lying in bed for a few days before anyone comes to investigate.
Would I be missed?
...

With all my doubts and uncertainty’s,
My fears and the ghosts from the past,
She brings light and happiness into my life.
...

Is this the price I pay for love?
A battle of wills a battle of the past, the ghosts of past transgressions,
Moments are rot with pain, anguish, then….
Peace, happiness like nothing I have ever
...

Now that it is over, I am startled by how deep the pain goes.
I know eventually it will subside,
That I will want to live again but
For now, I feel sick.
...

So many tears, so much pain,
My heart pumps blood on the floor…
It’s not in my chest anymore!
...

It is about the pain, isn’t it baby?
It’s about the strips of flesh we have taken from each other in the name of safety and trust.
Trying to maintain our squares of independence, our sense of self..
Rivers of fresh water need to run over the wounds and the cuts we have inflicted…
...

There will be no more tears now as
The guff is empty.
My soul is sore and tired.
I have loved you and that I know
...

Internal solitude consumes my soul,
Forever searching for peace, love and forgiveness,
Continual battle has depressed me and is taking its toll,
My love can’t tolerate me, I am to consumed by my past
...

I dreamed of you,
Your eyes, your hair, your hands, your voice.
I remember you when we kissed..
In my dreams you were always faceless and now you are real.
...

I am the abuser.…. I inherited your wicked tongue, your inability to lift my soul
Your ability to make me feel small and insignificant and now….I can offer that dark gift to others. That’s what I know.
I am the abuser….I learned from you that love comes with a slap, a beating, that I was never good enough, I was stupid.
That love was to be manipulated, and negotiated, that there was no free rides and I shared that with all who dared to love me. I shared the anger, the betrayal, the language of hate and abandonment.
...

Rain gently drums against my window as if in rhythm with my heart,
I lie in bed with my face turned to the sound and close my eyes.
I remember your kiss, our first kiss in the bar and how your eyes looked
And searched mine.
...

The Universe whispers in my ear but I am deaf to its message or
Unable to comprehend.
Is it coded for I am unable decipher the code….
Am I afraid to hear or just not getting what is required from me?
...