The runner who hides

(In may / Maine)

Death is not dead


Death is not dead 3-15-08
Its not here
If I hide it from everyone
Maybe it will go away

You’re gone
But I’m still breathing
Sometimes it's more like wheezing
The coughing starts
And doesn't want to stop

The headache cuts in and the aspirin doesn't work
The puking doesn't seem to stop
I can't let them go
Then they start without warning
The tears start and I blink them back
I laugh them off until I’m alone

I cry alone at night and in the shower
The tears start more and more
Without the headache and the aspirin that doesn't work

Hide it some more
Don’t eat peanut butter
Don't eat Chinese
Don't eat mozzarella sticks
Don't love
Don't Think
Don't regret what you said
You needed to say it.
Don't cry it's going to be all right

I’m lying to myself telling myself I can get rid of the pain
It's not just in my brain it's in my body too
My jaw aches, my arms and my back because I have a headache and the aspirin that doesn't work
Alcohol that becomes my out
My out for a day then shit the next

The bad weeks that follows the bad days
The tears that run and hide
The memories that fade
The memories that come up daily
The emptiness that’s always there
Fill it with alcohol, drugs, everything around you
But it never works
It never fades away

Laughing hurts because I think of you
I think about prom, graduations, wedding, kids, whenever I will need you
You can't be there
I cry your not here
I sleep, eat and do life
But your not here
Anger, Sadness, Joy, regret, Acceptance, Denial, All the pretending all the sadness.

If I hide it its not here
I wish that were true
But you’re always in my heart
And on my mind

I need you like I never thought I would
I will need you for everyday
Every heart break
Every disappointment

I can't do this
I can't push people away because you hurt me
Not everyone’s like you and dad

Time to start moving on
It keeps hurting the relationships that I want to hold on tight and never let go of
I love you and I started to forgive you and I pushed you away because you always hurt me
You always made me cry
And you weren't there
But now you're in my heart forever in a day
I love you

Submitted: Saturday, March 15, 2008
Edited: Saturday, March 15, 2008

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