Treasure Island

nevaeh leelove

will things ever change

Deam mom, why me? Why does everything bad have to happen to me? I am alone now as I'm done fighting worthless battles. Battles that I shouldn't of been fighting to begin with. I put on a mask daily as I pretend to be okay. But I try so hard to laugh and not cry to smile and not frown but somedays I cant hold it in for long. I cry alone and I am alone. Mom, was it all my fault? The reason we had no food or running hot water or somedays electricity? dear mom, as life is only getting worse so are my thoughts. They haunt me everyday every secound every minute and every hour of the day. I try to make them go away but they wont these thoughts will never go away... will they? Dear mom, I want to be done, done with life and done being hurt. Because mom, I am not okay. Pushed down, shoved, beaten, bruised..bullied. dear mom, why me? Your gone and the only person I can blame is me. My selfish acts always pushed you away, further and further and to far. To far away you are. I never knew what to say or do as I hid all my secrets for years. As he hurt me everynight I couldn't take it so I hurt me. I punished myself when he was hurting me and even after he was done hurting me. Dear mom, my scars prove how strong I am I can not be ashamed so neither shall you. I could. Of done more and somedays I think I wish I should have because.2. Stiches wasntnt enough or even 53. Dear mom, why? Why didn't you see my daily pain? Did you not notice the bruises from kids at school? The kids that thought they were better then everyone else. The kids who act like they don't care about anything or even anyone. Dear mom, was it all my fault? All my pain. All the shit I went through? Mom will I ever be happy? Will I ever feel at peace or feel loved when I hear the words I love you? Will things ever change because I thought going on my own at 17 would be easier but right now it only seems harder. I'm sick of this pain. Pain from others but most of all the pqin ive put myself through. Dear mom, will I ever be able to forgive her for taking her life because now I see how much pain others will be in if I were to as well oh mom why why did I have to go through that. The death of a friend to suicide when it should have been me and not her. Dear mom, do you realize that days I feel like no one cares, that no one loves me, that no one would even miss me if I were to be gone today, tommarow or even in the future. Dear mom, I don't want to be in pain anymore and as I pray and wish everynight that were were back home in colorado... where you belong where your kids love and miss you but mom I will not take happiness away from you. As here I stand trying to make everyday a day worth it and staying strong not just for me but for others too. At now 8 months free. Free from self harm and here I stand not alone for I have so much support now where everyday I will try to smile and will try to laugh even if it is fake. And mom even on hard days I say just for today. because that is what I have learned. dear mom, wether you one mile away or even a thousand miles away I will always love. You and remember mom every day is a new day.

Submitted: Sunday, February 16, 2014

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