Darling, I Keep Telling You, To Avoid Tmi Practice Kiss Poem by Sandra Dodd

My husband is really very smart, in many ways brilliant
but getting there can take some time, be a big event
He does so much better with computers than with people
Adept at reading complex math theories,
the most obvious body language escapes him
Sometime he completely over thinks everything,
but only sometimes, like when he’s awake or not asleep

When asked so sweetly, 'Are you still in the bathroom, dear? '
he will say 'I went to the kitchen to put my dish away,
on my way to the computer to get some work done,
but presently feeding fluffy because he had
that really hungry look, so I am done in the bathroom'
Really NO would have sufficed
even 'not presently' would be finely answered

For years I shared with him that he could answer
with military precision, or even less since I don’t expect
the ma'am and sir before after each and every word
Does not seem to be a concept that he is able to grasp,
so we listen to his answer which always comes at the end
of an extensive analysis of each and every situation,
which could be 'Please pass the Kleenex'.

Just last week when asking when he's going to cut the new spring grass.
I got for his answer the run down of his month, variables of the
weather situation, sharpening of the blade, the tools that would be needed.
Oh, a scientific disertation on the chemical that gives it that fresh cut smell.
At the end of listening I was so tired, I had to take a nap.

Finally while out together to tackle that large chore
Mr. Johnson stopped over, a quality male neighbor, somewhat older than ourselves.
He started some man gossip, how nice for the husband to have a chance to jaw.
Mr Johnson really like to talk to him, enjoys a bag of long and longer wind.
After a goodly while Mr. Johnson began to leave, suddenly he turned,
said 'I've been meaning to ask you for quite a while. What happen down…'

Just then all excited my husband interjected.
I wanted to tackle him, stick a hoagie in his mouth,
for I knew what he was about to do. His honesty
took over, his explanation started, oh my,
I knew he was going to run amuck.

He said 'For that I am so sorry, my daughter was learning to drive,
she hit the post in front of your barn, the truck went into overdrive,
right through fence it went, it hit the barn ever so slightly.
Then the hunting dog jumped right out of her brothers truck,
He took off in a tare, ate all of your hens but one,
She tried very hard to control him with little success,
about the time he ate the rooster she caught him cause he was out of breath,
When cleaning up the bloody trail he escaped the truck again,
drug the carcasses under your porch, smashed some of your eggs into an outdoor omlette.
Then he took chase after the chestnut mare, in defense of the mother horse
she only kicked your dog because she thought it was ours of course,
Your dog was defending her, who was rightly defending her colt,
which was okay, just a little over stressed, but we got it up
and walking in no time flat. The vet said she was fine.
The bill she waved on account of it made her laugh she so hard,
that she was going to be able to finally sign her divorice as soon as she got home.

Don’t worry we fixed the fence with a brand new post.
Gave you all my best hens, two champ roosters too.
Got the dead ones out from underneath, I think we got them all.
We cleaned up all the feathers and bloody trail.
The dog was fine but he slept at our place until you got home.
The side of the barn is patched up. The leftover paint
in your barn matched it just fine and dandy.
My son did a nice job painting and it even came off his truck.
We are proud of our daughter because the chapter on braking,
she did have some trouble. But I think now she has down,
just today she drove by you. Really should have known
you would notice being your so smart, I have been meaning
to come explain, sorry you had to ask, for that I am ashamed.'

Mr. Johnson looked all washed out, stunned at all the information.
He continued what he began to say '...Really what I was going to ask is how went
the protest down....town. I was out of town that day wanted to know
if it went okay. That now explains the extra rooster that crows before sun up,
the limp in Little Jim, possibly the chew marks in my barn shoes,
the spooky mare that now hates the dog, and the horrible porch smell,
the message from the vet checking on the colt, why your dog is tied up
from sun up to sun down, and the post that looks so new.
I thought it was my eye sight playing tricks on me.
Well no harm no fowl, tonight I will bring back your rooster,
I am retired, dont get up that early. We still on for that movie after supper?
I have some fresh baked cookies I could bring'

He turned and left, my husband tried to slink off
I caught his gaze, I said 'I thought we agreed last week
to keep the whole thing on the QT. So no one would be upset?
Shall I call the moving company or should you?
I would like to be out of here by supper! '

Really ya' think he would have learned his lesson,
seriously I doubt it, cause just right now my daughter
is listening to him pondering the stock market.
She made the mistake of asking if it was UP or DOWN