Door Poem by Kiki Marie

This thick, black, door always locked. Bolted shut. 'STAY OUT' carved into it. But first, you have to get over the giant cinder block wall standing in front of it. Not just a wall, no. Not that simple. Barbed wire all across the top. Six feet high. No one ever makes it over that. If you do, you'll need a key for the 12 locks on the door. Most aren't that lucky to have one. If you are, you'll only get in about an inch. I'll only let you in that far, or you'll get scared away from what lies within the cold, dark, empty room to which the door opens. You can't come in. I won't let you. Even if you get lucky and open further than an inch, I'll kick you out. If you come in, you wouldn't understand anything. I don't understand it, why should you. It's cold. Dark. Scary. Lonely. You'll get lost in the misery and dismay, hopelessness and worthlessness, disappointment and hurt.
You may then just understand what I feel inside every day. But, I won't let you get that far because then you knowing will only disappoint you. This is why the door will only open a whole 2 and a half inches, no matter who you are. I can't even completely open it myself. All my fears, frustrations, anger, hurt etc., will kill me. I know it will. But, there's nothing I can do about it. This door doesn't have a window, so none of this will seep out somehow. Not a lot anyway. It goes through the key holes when I need to talk about it, but I won't talk about everything that's on the other side of this GIANT door.
Talking about things makes me vulnerable; even more than I already am. Instead of only being vulnerable to my own thoughts, I'm then vulnerable to the person who got a whiff from the keyhole. I don't do vulnerability. That means I'm not in control. I need to have control. I no longer will have control over the ability for you not to hurt me with what you know. Or me not to disappoint you any further than I already have. I can't stand to see the disappointment on people's faces. If the door isn't opened, I can't disappoint. I can't hurt. I won't be disappointed or hurt either. If the door isn't open, no one will be able to truly see who I am, what kind of monster really creeps within me. I won't have to worry about anyone walking away because they can't handle or understand the things I deal with or what goes through my mind if I don't let them in. It's much easier that way. Easier for everyone, easier for me.
When this black, heavy door gets opened too far, it tends to slam shut. It's like it's booby trapped and when it gets opened up too far past the comfort zone there is a trigger that just slams the door closed on whoever is there. I then just am inclined to shut down. I go back to keeping everything quiet until it's about ready to burn the door down, then I'll go back to letting it slightly open, probably less than an inch the second+ time around. But, that's only if you're lucky. Not many people get that lucky because of trust.
The door keeps me from trusting people. I like it that way. If I don't trust them, they can't break my trust and hurt me that way either. There are just too many ways to get hurt and I'm not apt to let it happen. I need to have the ability to control who is going to hurt me for knowing what goes inside this crazy, whirlwind I call my head. It's better if no one knows. It's better if I don't trust. No vulnerability. No getting hurt. No disappointing. It's better that way.