I Can't Seem To Let Go Poem by Angela Bontle Ditumiso

It's been seven years
Thoughts of you
Still bring me to tears
This pain won't clear
It still hangs in the air
Like morning dew

I wish for it to intumesce
Diffuse into the air
But like a stubborn refusenik
It's stuck within
Glued to my swollen heart

My blood reeks
Of crippling pain
I must be as tough
As an elephant
How is it that I still stand?

Life has been a bit rough
And I haven't set foot
In your abode
Since the day I returned
From putting you
To your final resting place
How do I go home
When it has been transformed
Into an intoxicating dome?

I go through tomes
Hope to find you there
Since your photos
Died soon after you
I wish you were here
Wish I could hug your feet
And never let go
Why did you leave mama?

I know God saw it fit
But I'm broken
My heart is still bleeding
My soul still limping
I try
I try to understand
That this earth is a home away
From our permanent home
But still I'm not consoled

I'm still appalled
Still wish I could rouse
From this nightmare
I try to smile
When I remember
The good days
But all I do is cry

That day
When you went to heaven
I didn't get it
I stayed in your bedroom
For days waiting
Awaiting your reappearance
But you came not
You ran not through the door
And when you did come
It was in a dream

For a while I was able to move
But here I am again
Stuck
Possibly drowning
In your memories
How is it that when
You die
You take nothing with you?
You take no memories
No thoughts
With you to the grave

Everything you ever
Carried in your heart
Lost to the wind
Carried with your
Very last breath
But those who loved
Remain holding on to you

You don't think
Of me anymore
But you're etched
To my memory
An unfading holograph
Is replaying
Reminding me
That you're are never
To return home
From the hospital

Anyway, I just wanted to say
Even when I know
You won't get this message
Though I know
I'm wasting my breath
I'd like to let you know
I miss you
And I
I love you
I'm thinking of you always