My Planned Divorce Poem by Phil Soar

I may not have been honest when I filed for my divorce
I couldn’t stand it anymore, I hadn’t any choice
My mind was full of hurtful thoughts, and I hid them from my spouse
And all that was required was that she left the flipping house
I knew that would not happen, as she claimed she owned it all
From wine down in the cellar to the fittings in the hall
I had no other option but to try and do her in
My plan was that I’d choke her, and then throw her in the bin
She hadn’t been the best of friends and often ran me down
She even told the neighbours that I was a clumsy clown
I thought that I would show her I could juggle with her too
And set my plan to strangle her while she was on the loo
But fate was there to deal a blow that I had not planned for
She knew that I was coming and had locked the bathroom door
She climbed out through a window and tiptoed round the back
And came up from behind me with a vigorous attack
She struck me with her wicked tongue and bludgeoned me to death
And laughed as I was lying there and gasped for my last breath
I’m writing this from heaven, though she wished I’d gone to hell
But now I’m free from the fires of wrath and I’m really rather well