Relative Theories Poem by Michael Burch

Hawking, who makes my head spin,
says time may flow backward. I grin,
imagining the surprise
in my mother's eyes
when I head for the womb once again!

Hawking's "Brief History of Time"
is such a relief! How sublime
that time, in reverse,
may un-write this verse
and un-spend my last thin dime!

Einstein the frizzy-haired
claimed E equals MC squared.
Thus all mass decreases
as activity ceases?
Not my mass, my ass declared!

Relativity, the theorists' creed,
claims mass increases with speed.
My (m) ass grows when I sit it.
Mr. Einstein, get with it;
equate its deflation, I plead!

Einstein's theory is really quite silly—
it says masses increase willy-nilly
at speeds close to light.
Well, his relatives' might,
but mine grow their (m) asses more stilly.