I remind her of her father
She reminds me of her mother
That's why we're so happy together
We bring out the worst in each other
...
I took my car to the jetwash today
Put in the money and started to spray
The money ran out but the spray wouldn't stop
And I ended up spraying all over the shop
...
I gave a public health talk in Pontefract
By golly I read them the riot act
But the crowd began to disperse
And their health just gets worse and worse
...
you think it's going off track,
you're just about to pot the white
and then you pot the black.
...
Always wear your hygiene hats
whenever handling foods
although they make you feel like prats
those health & safety snoods
...
'Lances, shields and armour plate?
They're long since out of stock.
The ancient art of jousting, mate -
It's taken a bit of a knock.'
...
Uncle Wilfred's nerves weren't the best
He kept a miniature brandy under his vest
Whenever he went out he got shaky and shivery
So he always used Tesco home delivery.
...
If you live in the North you age faster
You get more lines round your mouth
If you live in Leeds or Lancaster
Than some cushy number down South.
...
Welcome to my private view
I'm the artist, how d'you do
I'm so glad you like my work
I'm so glad that I'm a berk
...
Zero hours on New Year's Night,
time for Auld Lang Syne;
opting out, I pour myself
another glass of wine;
...