Setbacks Poem by Bill Galvin

My head’s been crowded recently
With big people dropping in
And filling my time with big issues;
Taking time away from my mind,
Which is good for me now and again.

People may ask how you’re doing, with Deb gone;
You may answer… I don’t know…
I have nothing to compare it to…
Never been here before.

But then I’d find myself alone
Every night sitting on my back deck.
The same thing night in, night out;
Two or three stiff ones, a small cigar,
Burning some incense sticks; uncharacteristically
Loud music to drown out something or other,
And to make the dogs through the woods bark.
I’d make a few notes for use in later writes,
Whether that evening or not.
The sun sets in front of the house,
So I’d see the last light on the tops of the trees in back.
I could watch fireflies emerge for their nightly dance;
And two bats always circle above for company
Keeping mosquitoes at bay for me.

This way of life became depressing quickly.

After a career in technology cut short by corporate greed,
And caregiving for my soulmate for two long years,
I feel occasionally empty, meaningless; without agenda.
Routine without a big positive at the end doesn’t cut it.
I’m used to doing something that produces results,
Whether designing for a company or for Deb’s comfort.
Without the sharing that writing these vignettes allows,
And the healing that comes from wrenching openness,
I would be shiftlessly wandering darker alleyways.
I thank my God for this blessing of an outlet.

The depression usually is short term;
But this one felt different…
It came with my mild arthritis flaring like never before,
Lethargy, loss of appetite, bad headaches, skin rashes.

A change of venue and routine was needed;
I stopped the drinking and the loud music;
A drive to our favorite getaway for a few days made sense.
One problem… that was the last place I wanted to go,
Because we had so many memories there.

It was the cathartic place
Where spirit was always healed;
And my heart would jump when the mountains
First appeared on the horizon ten miles out.
I’d come here since 1969, Deb since 73,
And she loved it here as much as I did.
We would come here alone or with other friends, too;
But we always came together at least once a year,
Until three years ago, when our life began to unravel.

My heart did not jump this time.
I got here and the rain fell, and the fog was thick,
And all symptoms got terribly worse.
I felt I was looking up from the deepest hole.
I examined myself closely, after a fitful two nights,
And staying in bed most all of the day between…
Time for the caregiver to ask for some care.
I thought I picked up a tick bite along my outdoor travels.

I checked in to the local ER in this coastal mountain town,
Where they usually treat broken bones and sprains
For the hikers, mountain bikers, cliff climbers, and the like.
Deb got crutches there a couple of times in the distant past.

In this small hospital, I found more compassion
Than ever expected.
A nurse and two doctors spent most of our consultation
Downplaying the physical as easily treatable; unhurriedly
Getting to know me, my story, my journey, since losing Deb;
Concentrating on emotional and spiritual healing;
Suggesting I use the services available to me at home.
These were the kindest of angels sent to counsel me
Through my latest little crisis. Whew… not Lyme…
But they walked me down a cliff I had created in my mind.

A good friend told me that
Time is the glue that heals a broken heart…
You just have to wait for it to work its wonder.

Others close to me also show their great concern,
And it feels good to know they care so much for me.
There will be plenty of ups, downs, and in-betweens;
You just have to ride them out… ride them out.

I got back from the pharmacy and the fog was lifting.
I drove the rockbound coastal park road,
And enjoyed a clearer sky and calming seas.
I drove up Mount Cadillac and saw a beautiful sunset.

7-16-2015