The Happy Family Poem by William Hutton

If you, my Friend, should want an heir,
Your cellar search--you'll find one there.

A love sincere is, we confess,
The only source of happiness:
When man and wife attain this bliss,
Affairs will seldom go amiss.
But if fond love should take a flight,
How much goes wrong! how little right
Full often is the husband said
To cast an eye upon the maid;
Full often, when his passion burns,
He finds, from Betty, sweet returns;
Can wives excuse a case like this?
I'll give an answer for them--'Yes.'
They surely will a pardon shew:
Don't take my word--read on, and know;

Bob Handford pass'd a single life
Three times seven years--then took a wife.
They liv'd, they lov'd, they slept, they woke,
Much in the stile of other folk.
Sometimes, indeed, she'd pat his cheek,
As if some favour she would seek:
Then he 'd look on her face awhile;
And, peradventure, raise a smile.
Perhaps a smile was all his store,
Because he seldom could raise more.

But pats and smiles with time declin'd,
And left some little frowns behind:
Cross words attended; sometimes jeers
Muster'd their force, 'gainst loves and dears
But frowns and jeers, we understand,
Had of the two the upper hand.

One disappointment more was said--
'No issue grac'd the marriage bed.'
This sore defect will often prove
Attendant upon languid love;
Some altercation it procures--

'You know, my dear, the fault is yours.'
'I beg your pardon, think agen;
You don't behave like other men.'

'Nay, you must think, for 'pon my life,
Who'd bear with a defective wife?'

' No such defect can me betide--
Examine well the other side.'
Thus, while they eloquence display,
Affection's argued quite away;
And in most cases, we may learn,
It never after will return.

The mind possesses, like a fashion,
A certain portion of each passion;
And, corresponding with our case,
Love, amongst others, holds a place;
This each signs over to their mate
When they commence the married state;
Then doubly happy, night and noon,
The pair who ne'er recall the boon;
The only case, our Muse maintains,
In which a man by giving gains.

But Robin's heart and tender care
Began to wander from the fair;
And as that soft abode resign'd
Must soon another lodging find;
For love and money, Sophists say,
Are rather apt to fly away;
And, like the waves upon the deep,
But seldom one position keep.

Our husband had a heart to let
It left the mistress-- fix'd on Bet.
A small transition, it was said,
Only from Madam to her maid.

The girl that's slender, tall, and neat,
Completely turn'd from head to feet,
With features smiling to your view,
Tending to draw a smile from you;
Where red and white distinctly part,
Is rather apt to win the heart.
This was exactly Betty's case,
Whose manner pleas'd as well as face.
Nor did she ever go a wooing;
Her looks did all she wanted doing.

Now ev'ry art of Courtship's brought on;
Our loving wife is no more thought on;
Except it was in open day,
When she was rather in the way;
For lovers are in highest glee
In darkness, when no eye can see.

The whole artillery of a lover
Our turn-coat husband now play'd over;
As ogling, smiling, glancing, stand;
And, when he could, to squeeze the hand.
With circling arms above her hips,
His lips, with joy, assail'd her lips.
His busy hand, which could not rest,
By accident fell on her breast:
For lovers make a rapid way
When nothing does their progress stay.

Yet, from the moment he begun,
She was not easy to be won.
Some sparks of virtue took their rest
Within the precincts of her breast.

But if a house stands e'er so fast,
Assail'd by time must fall at last.
What fort, though guarded e'er so clever,
Can well sustain a siege for ever?
Bess seem'd to promise with her eyes
'She'd at discretion yield the prize.'
Thus assiduity, no doubt,
Will win whate'er it sets about.

'Tis needful, in so nice a case,
To regulate both time and place;
To disappoint the watchful spies;
For jealous wives have keenish eyes--
'On Monday night's the time, no doubt,
For Mrs. Handford will be out;
When to the cellar we'll both flee,
Where none can come, and none can see.'

Though daylight, as we said above,
May be no enemy to love,
Yet will, in that expos'd condition,
Exclude the lovers from fruition;
With joy they contemplate the theme,
And both applaud the well-laid scheme.

Bess all the pleasure now relinquish'd;
The virtuous sparks were not extinguish'd;
She told her mistress out of hand
What she and master just had plann'd.
They both determine, in short space,
The mistress shall supply her place.

The time was come which both had set;
The lovers in the cellar met;
Where all was safe and all was free;
Where all was love, and all was glee.

Though in the cellar raptures were,
Before the sun they shan't appear.
The bashful Muse shall draw the veil,
And not a syllable shall tell;
Only one circumstance remark,
Fairly extracted from the dark--
The joys effective center'd there,
Quickly produc'd a son and heir.

To haunt a cellar's thought a sin,
But Robert found the best within;
Perform'd a wonder on the floor,
A wonder he ne'er wrought before.
Though cellars are the place of bliss,
Yet none produc'd so much as this.

The parties ruminate a while,
Then treat th'adventure with a smile.
Of joy the husband had his share;
The proper person brought an heir:
The mistress found herself o'er-paid;
Excus'd the husband, bless'd the maid;
And Bess enjoy'd supreme delight,
She'd set a wand'ring husband right.

Let man and wife forbear to chide
'Till they've, like Bob, the cellar try'd.