The Member Of Parliament Poem by Billy Bennett

I've just been elected to Parliament,
At Westminster I'm the big cheese,
I'm also a Knight of the Garter, it's right In fact,
I've got one on both knees.

Whilst my maiden speech I was making,
Someone opened the door for some air,
And my maiden speech was blown out of reach,
So I sang them the 'Maiden's Prayer.'

Ye Gods, how the Members applauded,
I raised my voice, drowning the cheers,
I was straining my glands, while they clapped their hands,
They clapped their hands over their ears.

I cried 'What will I do for England?
For England, what would I do?'
Then young Locker Lam said, 'We don't care a damn,
But we know what we'll do to you.'

Britain, I say, for the British,
There's some good British firms even yet,
There's Edgar & Duck, and Salmon & Gluck,
And the Galleries Lafayette.'

I cried' I will throw out a challenge
Have you read your 'Exchange & Mart''
Then a voice loud and shrill said 'Let's throw out the bill
And let's throw out this Bill for a start.'

To the member I shouted out, 'Order.'
He ordered nine bottles of stout,
He drank every one, and the son of a gun
Pinched the doormat as he staggered out.

'What do we need to unite us?' I cried,
Then a voice like a bolt from the blue
Shouted 'Social Reform, Party Reform,
And a good dose of chloroform, too.'

'Why not improve our Air Force?
We're a bit behind times,' I declared,
'For taking air trips we want plenty of ships,
We've already got plenty of air!'

'Let's open an air route to Russia,
To Poland, and Czecho-Slovak,
It takes us by air two days to get there,
And three and a half years to get back.

'Now, let us talk about Labour,
And if the worst comes to the worst
There's work for you, and work for me too,
But you make a start on it first.'

'What's wrong with our Prison System?
Are the judges all 'Bats in the Belf?
I'll tell you what's wrong, the terms are too long,
I've just done twelve years myself.'

'Our railways, they want improving,
On more engines let's squander the bunce,
Let's have one on the front and one on the back,
And then we'll go both ways at once.'

'Why can't shopkeepers all be like Woolworths?
Then shopping would be all sublime,
Sell motors and boots, and houses and suits,
Nothing over a tanner a time.'

'Why go to Belgium for bloaters
And Camembert cheese over-ripe.
Why go to Peru for fresh eggs, like we do,
And why trip to the tropics for tripe?'

'For six months the House has been sitting,
Not one single egg have we got,
We wear trousers, not frocks,
We're not hens, we're all cocks., and that's why we all crow such a lot.'

'Why have we so many waifs and strays?
It's a dirty trick, you must agree,
Who's right and who's wrong, I don't care so long
As you don't put the blame on to me.'

'And then, there's the great drinking question,
The answer must be brief and short
Put the question to me and the answer will be
Same again, only this time a quart.'