Wild Bill Balding
To a teenage stepson
When you are older with a place of your own
I will come and visit at awkward moments,
and lean on the doorbell until you answer.
I shall piss over your toilet seat, the carpet,
and probably up the walls as well.
I shall dropp my clothes randomly
throughout your public rooms,
and play with myself where the neighbours can see.
Your loved one I shall insult
at the most inappropriate moments.
I shall talk loudly and often during
your favourite programmes and lose the
remote so you cannot record them for later.
I will spit with precision down the banisters
and shut the cat in the room with the best rug
and a very full bladder. However, the
likelihood being that (should I survive
that long) you will choose my care home
and have power of attorney over my pension,
perhaps I shall content myself with
shuffling around muttering nonsense,
smelling of wee, and feigning deafness
when there are jobs needing done. You
could be mine, after all.
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(March 26, 1874 – January 29, 1963)
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