When I Have Yearned Poem by Leria Hawkins

When I have yearned, so very long
That the light has grown dim
And the sparks have blown astray
All I see in the bleary shadows is a cradle
Empty now, so very very empty
Vacant ‘cept the soft indention
A hollow, where my head once lay
I am childlike and afraid
Knowing that suffering will seek me out
Anguish…laden thick with echoes
Biding like restless spirits that refuse to pass over
The night is no longer my shelter, my savior
No longer offering the slow pull into oblivion
Gone is the purveyor of fire soaked dreams
There is only sorrow here, the slow steady drone of heartache
A mélange of melancholy whispers that rob me of peace
And visions…visions taunting of warm and glorious days gone by
I’ve tried so hard, so very very hard…to wish it all away
And for so very long, I sought to find and force the end
To close this book that I’ve refused to put down
I’ve tried desperately to succeed, while expecting to fail
But I fool no one, with my fits of folly…let alone myself
As nary a day passes that I do not grieve
Nary a night without a cold stab of loneliness
Bitterness, like rusty blades piercing my heart
Scarring me for the sins of my weakness
I am plagued by gnawing pangs of regret
Bombarded by random thoughts and unclaimed desires
Eating away at the last vestiges of my comfort
Obsession…taking back my bravery, snuffing out my self-assurance
I yearn for what I cannot have, for what I cannot hold
I yearn in spite of my resolve, albeit my rational
I yearn…and yearn…and yearn
Aching for the broken notes of a half written song
Clinging to a hope that I've refused to forsake