Why Do We Do Things We Do Not Mean? (Note) Poem by Chantelle Clark

Why do we say things that we do not mean to those that we love the most?

How come we hurt the ones we love and love the ones we hate?
How come words are strong when we do not need them to be and weak when we need to be strong?

These are all questions that run through my mind every dayand to the extent that I get frustrated in trying tounderstand why the human must do what they do because ofthe emotions that one feels. It seems, to me, that emotionsare one of the strongest and most influential motivator ina human beings life. They control us...and we cannot and willnever be able to escape this, and to some extent we canjust barely control them.

I am like any other person in this world; vulnerable toemotions. Anger, sorrow, jealousy, and the list continues on, uncharted.
What I really want to know is why would I, or anyone elsesay something so horrid to the one person who means the worldto them, to me. This person is always there, one that I can always count on, one that will never betray me like friends could do...that person is my mother.
It's almost like...they are there too much and we just tendto push them away, and unfortunately there are horriblereprecussions for doing so. I will let you all know that I love my mother very dearly, and I will always need her. I guessI am just trying to find my place, but that is no excusefor being down right rude, when she is only trying to help, and even the thought of that brings me to tears.

My mother is always there to help, always there pushing me along, always opening up opportunities for me, new doors to walkthrough, so how come...I am such an idiot?
Everytime this happens...there never needs to be any encouragementfrom anyone to make me feel terrible...lets just say I have amassive reflex of remorse. As soon as I have done something, or said something that I knew I shouldn't of, knew I nevermeant to say, knew it was anger talking...negative thoughtsjust swamp my brain...and I cry for hours on end till I can't hear anything for myhead is pounding to the point that it's all I can hear, allI can think of.

And I shake with anger towards myself...and I get into this state of pure hatred towards myself.To the point where it begins to get unbearable and I contemplatewanting to die.
And people might just say, stop being a coward, stop letting the emotions control you, just go and talk to your mom. But honestlythat never works, she never wants to talk to me after...and rightly so..I don't blame her one bit.

I am just pleading someone or something...some insight to help me.Help me get away from this...I hate it, I loathe it...and myselffor being who I am when I say the things I never mean to say.I know its just a pure lack of control...but hey, no one gets that.
No one takes the time to give me doubt...I did what I did and thatsit, nothing more..and I hurt the person. Frig...how unintelligent.
My mom is an amazing person...she really is and sometimesI am blinded, and I hate myself for it.

Dear Mom:

Not that this makes a difference but, I'm sorry.
I truly am.
For this is a constant story.
One that never seems to end.

My eyes pour tears
and my head pounds.
I scream my worst fears.
But no one understands.

I never meant to hurt you.
It kills me everytime.
I tear at myself for my views
And I scream out in vain.

I always make mistakes
and sometimes I don't think like I should.
And sometimes those smiles...
tend to be fake.

But no matter how I feel
I love you so.
I am sorry for doing what I've done.
Please, thats all I need you to know.

You are always by my side
standing right there.
You can make me smile no matter what.
I am sorry I am not fair.

Please just know that I hate myself
for what I always do.
I am sorry.
Perhaps...if it's not too late we can start anew?

A lost soul..

Written by Chantelle Clark.