Zombie Poem by David Lewis Paget

I’d never believed in the living dead
In the movies of the time,
Though the wife curled up in a foetal ball
At zombies, covered in slime,
I said, ‘Well, why do you watch it then
If it’s going to freak you out? ’
But she’d lie in bed in a constant dread
And she’d sometimes scream, and shout.’

She’d say, ‘Do you think they could come back,
Come clawing out of the ground,
Creeping up from the graveyard to
Surround us, here in the town? ’
‘I hardly think it likely, ’ I would say,
‘Because they’re dead! ’
But that was before a knock on the door
And standing there was Fred.

I was sitting reading the paper when
I heard Miranda scream,
I found her there at the open door
With a nightmare, not a dream.
This guy was standing, dripping with mud
And grass shoots in his hair,
He said, ‘I’ve come for Miranda,
And I’m not prepared to share! ’

I looked at her in confusion, said
‘Just what’s this all about? ’
Miranda wasn’t coherent, she
Just stood with an open mouth.
He said, ‘I’m Miranda’s husband
And I’ve come, just like I said.’
Miranda uttered a funny croak,
And said, ‘You can’t, you’re dead! ’

I knew that she’d buried a husband
Just before we two had met,
But that had been seven years before,
It’s not like you’d forget.
But there he was in the flesh, although
The flesh was rather green,
His hair was matted and tangled,
And I wondered, where had he been?

We sat him down in the kitchen and
She made him a cup of tea,
While I went out in the car, and drove
Around to the cemetery.
His grave was all in a shambles with
The headstone at a lean,
A gaping hole to the coffin, then
I knew that he was unclean!

‘We’ve got us a real zombie, ’ was
The first thought in my head,
What do you do with your partner’s ex
When your partner’s ex is dead?
When I got back they were having a chat
While she combed the mud from his hair,
Just like a good little zombie’s wife,
While I could just stand and stare.

I made a call to the bishop, who
Said it was plain to see,
If he, like Lazarus, had come back
Our marriage was bigamy!
I asked Miranda, ‘Who do you want
Your ex, or me, or what? ’
She said she couldn’t make up her mind,
He’d been pretty good in the cot!

I thought, ‘That’s it! ’ and I got my gun
And I put a hole in his head,
The Sheriff came and he told the wife,
‘You can’t kill a dead man dead! ’
So we buried him back in the same old grave
To save the expense of a new,
But Miranda went back to her mother’s then,
Said, ‘I’m not living with you! ’

14 April 2013