A Dying Soul Seeking For Revival Poem by Emma Mulwa

Somewhere in the middle,
In the middle of all the madness that comes with each day,
I feel worthless yet immensely loved.
I feel a sadness within me I cannot explain.
Tears have become my source of comfort though at times I suck it in and convince myself that crying is for the weak..

Life has been so good to me,
Blessed with a loving sister,
Whom at times I feel I do not deserve,
A mother who is so loving and supportive
A father who is always there to hear my every query.
Friends who I have come to call family too.

Alone I constantly feel,
Alone I always am,
Even when I'm surrounded by loved ones.

I ask myself why?
What happened to the girl who lived within me?
What happened to the happiness and determination I always had.
What happened to the vibrant girl I once were..

Many see me and tell me I am always looking sad and all alone,
Trying to portray a brave face I smile and say everything is okay knowing it isn't..

Why can't I win,
Why can't I make a success of myself..
Why does it feel like everything I do is never done properly or I blatantly fail at it.
Why is it that everything I strive for I never seem to get.

Feeling so lost and constantly having people pay for my wrong doings,
Trying to be the best possible me and live according to the will and teachings of God,
Hoping to find answers and deal with the emptiness and unworthiness and feel like a whole human being again.
The sense of completeness and contentment with thyself seems so far fetched.

Many have told me I am an incredible being,
But how can that be if I feel this way.
Battling with an inner battle I cannot seem to handle,
Many times I cast it unto Him who gave me life and try to work on establishing a relationship with Him I talk to Him and indulge in His works with the hope that someday I will see what it is that He sees in me.

Feeling like all areas of my life are in a complete mess and not really knowing how to get things back on track…
Why am I not excelling,
Why can't I see any progress in my choice of career,
Why does life seems like an uphill battle.

This world does not owe me anything so blaming it is meaningless
Not being able to pinpoint where all of this is coming from
I blame myself,
I blame myself for
Not being smart enough
Not being ambitious enough
Bot being determined enough
Not being aware of the present as psychologists would describe it.
Not being pretty enough
Not being intelligent enough
Not worthy of the gift of life
Not worthy of affection
Not worthy of success
I'm just a lost little girl filled with a dream that seems unrealistic..