Almost As Elated As The First Time I Fell Off A Horse Poem by Diana van den Berg

Though he delved deep,
he very considerately missed a major artery,
and even took his early lunch out of
the least painful part of my body (thank you, doggy) -
only cost me three stitches
(exquisitely executed, I must say) .

The dog and his owner had a terrible fright, poor dears,
but I soon calmed them down
while pushing my arm’s insides back where they belonged -
and the most delightful thing of all -
there’s hardly going to be a scar
on the inside of my elbow -
just enough to show off my trophy
(had my stitches out today) .
It’s a pity I can’t put my arm on my office wall
with all my certificates,
but, you see, it (my arm, not the wall) doesn’t unhook,
well, not yet, anyway.

He even let me wait sixty years
(boasting all the way that I am unbiteable)
before achieving my first dog bite.

I remarked to a colleague, at the time,
that I must taste nice after all,
but he reminded me (with malice aforethought) that the dog,
a darling, friendly (yes really) ,
Rottweiler-cross (or should that be Rottweiler-friendly?)
didn’t come back for a second bite...
oh, well, you can’t have everything!

The next time a dog bites me
I shall request that it is
the same dog
in the same place
(but preferably on the other arm -
just to even things out)

and I shall hunt down
the same doctor
for his excellent
needlework.

Hmm... I wonder if I should ask him
for brightly coloured embroidery
next time...

(29 March 2006)