Because She Died Poem by Kelsee Sinclair

I clamp my hands tightly against my ears
Skin plastered so closely
I can hear my own heartbeat
For a second, despite my anguish, I smile
I hear the blood pump
I know that I am alive
And then I frown
Because I can still hear their voices
Beyond the pumping rhythm
Letting me know
That they are alive and angry

I can’t take it any longer
The yelling has been going on and going on
The voices have been getting louder and louder
The slaps against the tiled table getting harder and harder
I start to shake as the water in the glass on my desk
Starts to tremble
And then suddenly for a second, the house is silent
There is not a voice, a slap, a step, or a cry
Just like when my sister died

And just like when my sister died
The silence was followed by terrified shrieks
Just like before the time she died
There were furious bellows

I can’t take it any more
I slip on the headphones
I get up off the chair in my room
And I hurry down the steps
Barely walking, its not fast enough
So I step up the pace
Until I am almost running
Choking on fresh air and tears

When I am running
I get lost in the sensation
As my feet are pounding
I concentrate
One step in front of the other
As my heart is racing
I can almost forget

But I can’t forget
Even though my heart is racing
Lying, telling me that I am alive
I still remember
Because I have left one thing behind
My mind, my memory
My life
Is still at home

Home
Where my sister died
Where my parents are screaming
Their foreheads stained in scarlet anger
Their faces glistening with sweat and tears
I can hear their voices, bellowing
Ringing in my ears
Because I have heard it now every day
It has become more common
Than laughter at the dinner table
Or the peaceful silence of morning hours

They yell and curse
And grit their teeth
Because they think it keeps them alive
Or the memory of her alive
They don’t get it

My sister is dead
And she is never coming back
It was all our fault
Is all our fault
There is no other way to put it
No yelling can bring her back
No yelling will make us feel more alive
Because when my sister died
We all died