Because You Can'T Have Your Cake And Eat It Too Poem by Amanda Saveley

'Happy Birthday. I love you.'

It's so unusual that I could say that at midnight tonight and be shooting it out in two different directions. But it makes sense, in a poetically ironic way. I feel like the day I met them was the day I finally split in half.

I want so much to be everything to both of them, but I can't.
Because it’s not smart.
Because it's not socially acceptable.
Because it's not healthy.
Simply put.

That doesn’t make me feel any different.
Does it hurt? Mostly.
And I wish I could save my life to this particular point, hit the “reset” button at the end of my life and do things differently.

I tried out the words on my tongue last night…
The ones I’ve been playing over in my head lately, just to see how they sound.
I’m testing the water to make sure I don’t drown in the other pond, you know?
And he was so hurt. The worst part of it all is that I couldn’t bring myself to feel bad about anything other than the fact that I was hurting him. I was sorry for his sadness, but it didn’t change my mind about what was making him sad.

I simply can’t breathe anymore in this space. I’ll die if I try to keep it all in. There are so many things I really want to say, in order to make everything okay for both of them. I’ve even considered cutting them both off, because I honestly believe they’d both be better off if they didn’t have to deal with my indecisive bullshit.

Instead, I’ll just wait until the hands meet at the top of the clock later tonight and say to myself what I could easily say to either of them.

“Happy Birthday. I love you. I’m sorry.”