Crawling In The Muck Poem by Perry Shepard

I crawled through the muck
Looking for it all day long.
No, it has been for decades
I worked on answering the question.
Yes, I went to war for you-
No!
It was because I didn't know
What I was about.
At this time I wonder
If I really pondered, what
A lovely word, the thing
I was supposed to discover
About myself and you.

So to war I went
And I left all behind
What had sent me on this quest.
Mother, father, brother, sister
All of you wondered why?
I was lost during that time
And without answers society called.
I, like the sheep in the meadow, grazed
On the little knowledge I had.
Rain beat down senselessly
And I crawled in the muck
Bound by rules and desires.
I moved through the jungle
And learned to survive, yet
I was looking for a way to live.
Jimmie Hendrix dies in a bathtub
And music is lost to me.
I never realized that was one way
To know, to know, to know.

I come home.
An empty spot in the house
Is filled, and I sit in the room.
Long days and only dust stirs
Around me in my lair.
I do not feel I have chosen-
This depravity in the soul.
I breathe. Memories are lost or entangled
Until the bean factory calls
And I live dreams of Pork and Beans.
Getting up at night,
Sleeping as dawn crawled
Out a manhole down the street.
I have no place, I don't belong.

Traveling to Texas in a coupe
I find fish and shrimp
Calling my name and I bite.
Louie the Greek takes me in.
Riding out hurricanes
Drinking Muscatel and
Eating Twinkies I write
Poems of hunger and pain,
Going days on end smacked down
By the obligation to know myself.
I fish for the answer and flounder
Catching shrimp and swapping lies
I enter a new phase of life.
Strip clubs and lust almost
Takes over and a bartender
Come to me out on the beach
And we steam up her daddy's Thunderbird
Until the Gulf reflects early dawn.
But I must move on.
I was close to an unshakable
Love, hooking me in a beautiful net
And I felt something different.


I leave the water
And move to the mountains
Looking for a crisp moment.
A freak calls me a rich California hippie.
I laugh and point to my coupe's plates
I sell drugs in the park-
Meet a girl with a tail
And with mushrooms we spin
Our story to each other.
I find her sweet and I breathe
In her beauty. I spin a thought and feeling
That follows me through the years.
Then I am befriended and have a place
With a fellow that has crawled in the muck.
He of course lost his way
But gave me insight and direction,
Sadly without being a musician
And hiding the writings without a reason.
No, I was still trying to answer the question.
Still afraid to name the question
Let alone atone or answer for it.

I crawl through the academic world
To achieve the sanctioned reward.
Along the way William Stafford
Confronts verse and I question
The message or constructions created
Yet. the poems get written and I smile.
I meet a boy and tell him I am God.
He sends me to his sister
Sadly she tells me I don't listen.
I know she is correct, I deny.
Her temperature rises and
I find myself in lust for her.
Am I such a biological creature
That I can only respond
Physically at attention, not
To the message of the words
But the feeling of her energy.
I lie to myself yet again.

And the commitment is made
In the back yard
Of the house on Cherokee St.
Her love is palpable
And the child is sweet.
L don't think about the question
An answer comes from a four year old.
Sitting in the bean bag chair
As we absorb the Hulk together
And laugh and hold each other.
I don't need to answer
The question or crawl in the muck.
The years flow and the sky is bright
And I move with the wind-
Floating and essential to this life.
There is no question of manhood
Family is the world
And the world is turbulent
And the world requires consistency
And the world needs love.

The struggle regains focus
And I realize that even now
I'm crawling through the muck.
By this time I believe-
I believe it is the right thing
To do, to do.
And the child becomes a young woman
And I'm confused again.
I let her go and hold my breath.
She is beautiful and powerful, I
Let it seep into my soul and spirit
Releasing her to the greater hemispheres
Floating beyond my grasp
And making decisions I should have made.
The other one grows as well and joins her
While the two that became four
Clasp on to each other and I ask
The question once long forgotten.
She looks at me and asks the same one
And we give each other a hug
A hug that lasts for hours
Healing the insecurity felt
As the youth head out into life.

Now we do not want to ask
That essential question.
We do not want the answer.
Note it is now ‘we' rather than I.
Living in the moment has it benefits.
Leave the rest behind
Knowing it was all necessary
And allows me to
Be standing
High above the muck.