Depression Pt 1 Poem by Lissa Parks

When I close my eyes,
And listen to my soul
cry.

The heartache that
I feel deep inside,
The hurt I feel when
people do me wrong.

My soul says it can't
take it anymore...
But I keep moving
on and on.

Oh how much I just
want to sit in the dark
and cry.
Cry and cry till then
I'm surrounded by water,
floating in deep water.

Then there's a cut
there and a cut
here...

All the abuse I've had
to put up with...

As a child couldn't express any emotion of happiness
All there was, was spanking
the children, neglecting the
children.

Couldn't be a real mom to us kids...
She hated us, didn't want
us,
why have children if you
don't love them at all.

You go and party and leave
your two kids at home
by themselves on the stairs
figuring we were OK.

I'll tell you what
We weren't okay...
You left us for some guy
and I was the one who had
to protect my brother.

Making myself bleed...
Where did I go wrong in
my life to be where I am
at in the world.

I cut myself deeper,
deeper...
I feel so violated,
trust is broken.

They all have hurt me
and made me this weak...
I used to be such a nice
young girl.

Now I am a hurt, broken
woman who has lost her
way in life can't seem to find
her way back to happiness.

How dare they to judge me,
make fun of me,
They don't know the HELL I've
been through.

You didn't love us then and you
sure as hell don't love us now.

You let other people abuse us,
hit us with the belt or
even with the hand.

We had a good life till I
opened that door to find
you...
What a waste and energy of
my soul to find someone who never
changed her ways.

You see people, whoever decides to
read this...
I began to overdose a few years
ago after I found my birth mom.

I'll tell you why I did overdosed.
She thinks she's better than me.
She thinks its a competition to
her.
She's not a very nice person.
Right now, she's dating my ex
and blames me for setting them
up.
Which she is full of it.

I think she's disgusting,
disturbing person I've ever met.
And she only cares about
herself.

She wasn't there when I
needed her when the guy
I was in love with (still am)
was in a car accident.

I went to her for some
support.
But instead she didn't care
how I felt.
She cared about herself.
She insults me and she insults
other family members.

*******

I wish my real mom
was alive.
And I wish she would see
how much hell I've been through
with my birth mom.

My "real" mom took us in
and loved us, feed us well,
took us on cool family
vacations.
She made sure we were safe
and cared for.
She never lied to us or betray us
in any way like my birth
mom did.

How can I love someone that
I totally hate?

But deep down inside, she
makes me feel like unwanted
not good enough