Haunted Heart (Or.. ‘the Night I Tried To Break Up With Jesus) Poem by Vonnie Gowing

Blood red and true blue, like my memories of you
Haunted heart... instant replays...I loose.
I watch you crushing it over and over
my haunted heart still loving you

Your reflection here, so clear in my head
Your silhouette lying beside me in bed
But, the pain that won’t seem to depart..
Is this realness of you,
'blood red and true blue',
Deep inside my old haunted heart.

Life is killing me; I can’t get a way.
In slow motion I get drug through every day.
No grace to carry me; no peace of mind
Not a ghost, but you! ..in this haunted heart of mine.

Minutes are weeks, as I try to forget you
obstinately.. Your boldness continues.
If you’d just be gone, then I could go on.
I know somehow I’d find the will.
But, what can I do
to escape... and keep you
from haunting my tortured heart still?

The pain is so grave, I must tear my heart out.
It is broken and wrinkled from tossing about.
I iron it on my ironing board
and fold it up.. real tight..

So nothing can get in to hurt it again..
(for a second or so it seems right)
I place it back beneath my breast
thinking.. ' it'll be okay! '
Yet, here I am at the end of myself..

Will my heart stand by me?
Not even the rest of the day!
It feels foreign and lumpy..

It begins to grow sore.
Once again I can't bear the pain
It is tearing itself back out of my chest.
Haunted heart on it’s own.. again.

There it lies.. On the table
next to my chair.
I can’t look.. it’s too tender to touch.
O! This huge, wicked wound..
and all my pain caused by you!
My empty heart wants you so much.
For hours (or years) I try to forget you.

You, so confident, so ‘cool’
But you keep haunting my bansheed heart
(After all this time... it’s still you.)
I finally find strength to pick it up

It takes over and unfolds itself..
O, my heart is true; not to me, but to YOU.
I watch as it climbs from the shelf,
Exposing a gaping view (one to closer peer in)
I can feel it is you..but fear, leaves me content
just to look outside... not in.

From nowhere grace comes!
Peels back my eyelids; tacks them open wide.
I am forced to look.. this time I see!
My heart had been hardening inside.

It is opening softly now.. No longer the same.
My heart had been brittle,
my thoughts of you little..
Pouring on you all the blame.
The past is gone! My haunted heart has won!
And, (mercifully) , so have I.

My heart and my soul were both freed from the pain,
Just by the opening of my eyes.

O, me, UN-repenting
O, you, unrelenting
In my salvaged soul still abide.
Light, at long last, broke through
Haunted heart healed by you..
Here, waiting for me, inside.