Hope For Positivity Poem by Andrus Cassian

"Break my back and take my name
I have no use for either
both pinpointed for personal attacks
here a gift, take them
banish them from my sight"
Words I used to proclaim without a fight
righteousness within my speech
vindication and confidence launched into verbiage
to tear apart my own soul
To say I never lashed out at anyone is a bold faced lie
The biggest cry I ever let out was and is always
directed at me at myself
To myself, I blame everything
but I also wish it upon myself to be better, to get better
learn every single thing
They say knowledge is power, well show me what that power is
It's definitely not in a classroom
hearing people talk about your next move
Show me how to wield magic with words
spin a pottery wheel
create something beautiful with my own two hands
I'm too rough with my edges to be anything more than
clumsy and haphazard
tripping over my own two feet
angry with myself for not gaining the progress I seek
Over and over I stress
the inner thoughts in my head I confess are a mess
It's not a contest but the clutter I need to clean
Tis a necessity for a I feel it again
among my optimism, it seeps through again
my alignment, heavy pessimism
I don't want to be here, the words have creased through my lips
I'm sore and broken, mentality exhausted
Chest heavy, heavy breathing alike
I don't want to be here yet I still have to fight this
I still have to beat this, I must win this
I need this, I need this
No telling what opportunities may follow after this
how long of a gap I may end up flat upon face
Mother Aphrodite's miserable son of disgrace
leave that notion alone
I want to forget that notion is still relevant
I want to forget that notion attached to me
even though the one who gave birth to that notion is, well, me
I'm bleeding although very little
from a mass amount of cuts swollen shut
covered with band-aids to keep from spilling my guts
It hurts to stand, my ankles are way to weak
my knees feel like packing their bags and leaving
My mind is strong for the moment but I just give it a few more hours
and I'll be so dizzy, that the sky will start spinning
churning my stomach into acid and there I am
in slow motion, falling again
a blackout, the second time in my life
staring at a row of product for no matter how long
no matter what it is
in a single file line, they all start looking the same way
and soon you'll find yourself in a haze
Doesn't that sound grand
I lost my train of thought in a trance
It took nearly 3 ½ hours out of my time last night
I still haven't recovered in hindsight
Now I'm just caught in the beat of the drum in my own mind
the low hum of refrigerators in this quiet room
ironically doesn't enhance the dread
just makes me want to sleep instead
but I have 4 ½ hours to go
I'm working on being positive
I'm working on being less negative, I'm working on my strengths
I'm working ridding myself of weaknesses
I don't want to be perfect, I just want to be better
for myself, for my Maribelle who shall be renamed eventually
per her suggestion, not mine
got to make the woman happy
but before I keep rambling, to quote The Middle by Jimmy Eat World
"Everything will be alright, it just takes some time"