I Hope It Hurts Poem by Hailey Agnew

It’s shocking. Leaving me breathless, speechless. I can’t even speak your name on my lips. My heart stops, for a whole minute of my life, i can’t breathe, i can’t speak, i can’t think. I gasp. I search for air and try and collect myself. But still, all i can do is mumble. Finally, a question comes to me. “How could you do this to me? How could, but i thought, but you said, you promised, i... i... i....” i lose my breath again. The next thing i know all i can do is cry. But only for a minute. I think about the next stage, anger. I get angry. I get really angry. Without even thinking, i’m screaming, throwing things at him, cursing his name, screaming louder. I’m in a state. Not even thinking about it. Just doing it. He says he sorry. He screams he’s sorry. He begs my forgiveness. I throw a vase at him and storm out. That’s the end of that. I catch my breath. I think about what just happened. I’ve never felt so free. So assertive. So powerful. He’ll regret the day he stabbed me in the back. If it was the last thing i did. When i get home, i pass out on the couch. I’m exhausted. When i wake up a few hours later, i remember, and scream to the top of my lungs into the cushion i used for a pillow. After that i’m too tired for hatred. All i can feel now is regret. I calmly walk downstairs to my room, and take out my notebook. I open it and start ripping out and shredding all the pages i doodled his name in over and over. All the hearts with our names in them. All the repeats of his name with hearts and my name with his last name. Every last thing. Gone. Torn to shreds on my bedroom floor... i take a minute to stare at the heap. Then i frantically gather it and put it all in an envelope. Then mail it back to him. Every last piece. And now i hope... that when he sees this, he cries. If even just a single tear whether it be of guilt, regret, sorrow, anger, a mixture of emotions... i just hope it hurts. Now... i gather everything he ever bought me anything he ever won for me or gave me or anything that even resembled our past relationship, and i ruin it. Whatever, tearing it, scribbling on it, breaking it, whatever. And i put it all in a bag and dropp it off at his house. Right before he gets back from that ridiculous hockey practice that i used to always go to too cheer him on and hang out with him and be there to support him. I hope when he looks up in the stands, and doesn’t see me, it hurts. I hope it feels like someone stabbed him in the gut. I hope he gets sick all over the ice because of that nauseating feeling in his stomach... Guilt. I hope he sees me in his nightmares tonight. I hope he wakes up screaming and sweaty. I hope he screams my name when he can’t sleep. I hope he regrets every minute he spent lying to me, going behind my back and betraying my trust. Stabbing me in the back. When i get home, it’s not enough. I’m still angry. I’m still bitter. So i go back up to my room and slowly burn all the pictures i have that he’s in. And i take pictures of them burning. Put those pictures in an envelope, and send them to him. And i hope it pisses him off. I storm around my room and eliminate every piece of evidence he was ever in my life. That he was ever so important to me. And i mail it all back to him. I make sure i do everything i can to make it easier to just forget all about him. But i know stuck in the back of my head is the fact that i’ll never forget him. Not ever. It’s hard to face, but i think i’m finally at the stage of acception. I flop on my bead. Shed a tear, take it all in, go to bed, and prepare myself for the day to come. Because that’s life.

-Hailey Agnew