I'M Trying To Be Open, But The Past Keep Creeping In Poem by mona martinez

i'm only human,
don't get mad,
i don't feel normal,
but i'm doing the best i can,
what you want is this perfect girl,
i don't think i will ever be her,

i'm a girl who numb her feeling,
just so i won't have to feel the pain,
the problem is not really you,
nor is it me,
i was delt a bad hand,
in this thing we call life,

i want to be what you see in me,
it just hard,
when my feelings over take my mind,
i freeze up,
but it's hiding behind my smile,
i don't let you see,

becuz i'm afraid that if i do,
you won't look at me,
the way you have been,
that look you get in your eyes,
is what makes me want to be a better person,
you see, what i'm too blind to see,

and yet, i'm worried that you might judge,
judge me for a past, i had no control over,
it makes me sick to think,
a grown guy can do that to a child,
turn them into their sex puppet,
it makes me sick just thinking about it,

but in my eyes i'm looking at you,
as if you are my abuser,
you are nothing like him,
and yet i'm so afraid to let you in,
let you get close,
i tell myself things that are not true,

just so i have a way out,
a way out of feeling the thing from the past,
but no matter what,
i'm pulled back into your charm,
who can resist?
i love your personality,

but it's what triggering my past memories,
i feel like i'm not normal,
becuz i'm afraid of anything sexual,
it shouldn't have to be this way,
but sadly it is,
i guess all i can say is,

i'm only human,
i don't always have to be perfect,
i can only be me,
it wasn't my fault,
what happened in my past,
all i can do is move on and learn.