If I Were God Poem by Professor Poetry Hound

You know how everyone is always griping and complaining
that Jesus never does any really blatant miracles to prove his
existence? Like, he could make all guns vanish with one
wave of his wand, or instantly heal all sick people in the
world (except for gay people with AIDS of course) . But you
know, if I was in Jesus’ shoes (sandals) , I would probably be
just as inactive as he is. I mean, I wouldn’t want to start a
stampede toward heaven, so I would just do subtle little
miracles, like make someone’s sock disappear in the dryer, or
move their bookmark to the previous page. And when they’d
pray to me, I wouldn’t answer most of the time. And when I
did answer, I’d do it in a sort of indirect and ambiguous way
so they’d have to spend time pondering and interpreting it.

But after they’re dead, watch out! No more subtlety! Anyone
who didn’t pick up on the nuanced little clues of my
existence, well, it’s too late now! I’ll have the devil take an
electric belt sander to their faces.