If Im... Poem by Kaspa Richards

If im loud,
Its coz im trying to drown the sorrow sound of raging thoughts in my brain,
If im proud,
Its coz I came from nothing but pain and emerged a man unscathed and un-maimed,

If im mean,
Its coz I have an unresolved issue that I take out on you instead of crying into a tissue,
If I dream,
I dream I could have you forever so I could kiss you and never miss you

If im quiet,
Its coz im loosing my battle with my mind which turns my tongue into a mime
If I riot,
Its coz I've snapped and can’t care no more coz nothing helps not even my rhymes

If im distant,
Its coz I feel lonely and nobody can understand me coz I don’t even know myself
If im resistant,
To the idea of seeing you, its coz my anxiety and insomnia have taken over my health

If im anxious,
I feel alone and like everything around me I touch turns to dust so I feel as if I’ve had enough
If im conscious,
Doesn’t mean im really there im normally stuck in my head fighting memories that fight rough

If Im lost,
This is just how I look, I lost my personality from those years I learned to duck and hook,
If I toss,
Then turn in my sleep, its coz im searching for the piece of me that my past cruelly took

If im tired,
Don’t take offence its just how my brains wired being up for four days can take its toll
If Im nervous,
Im not nervous it’s just hard trying to be normal when I feel too young too feel this old

If im any of these things or more,
Don’t judge me by it, this isn’t who I really am im just recovering trying to find who I am
If im any of these things just slap my jaw,
Snap me back out my mind tell me the truth about me coz I know nothing and nothing more