If Only (Formerly Untitled No.2) Poem by Hima chan

I fled from you
and sought refuge in nothingness
trying to hide the memories in tow
trying to erase from my mind
every single thing
that we have gone through
If I could take everything back
If I could turn back time
then I surely would
not want anything from you
would not keep what you've given me
in an attempt to forget you
in an attempt to protect myself
because you will never have me
you will never have me.


If only it is possible
to make the memories vanish into thin air
to snatch them away from you
to tear them out of my own heart as well
and let them vanish into oblivion,
then I would.
Let the dust gather
and the cobwebs accumulate
on the things that are trivial and unimportant
those silly things
that are not worth remembering.
(Since they are nothing of essence to you, right?)
I'll take away whatever magic is there
I will dry my tears
and will not falter
and will force you to forget everything
yes, force you to forget
Because hell, you will only let me go.
But you can never do so.
You see, you never had me
You will never have me.
You can never let go of what you never had.
And even if I declare myself as yours
you will never have me.


This single sweet smile is fake.
But the numerous bitter tears are real.
But what good is there
to wallow in sorrow and despair
when you know the inevitable?
Would that change everything?
I expected it all.
There was nothing to be done.
Though beneath these eyes
there lay hope,
there lay hopelessness as well.
If there was a person
who could have saved me
it would've been you.
But I've known, and lived
Knowing - always knowing
my faith was never strong enough
will never be strong enough
to make you stay
to make you see
and make you believe
my love was indeed pure and true.


I will seek to go places
- the farther, the merrier -
to try to find myself
to try to find the deepest desires
that have always been there
in the very depths of my soul
to prove to myself
that I deserve to be loved in return
to recognize
my own self-worth
to see myself
grow into the person
I have always wanted to become
Even without you by my side.


Impossible as it may seem
to return to this place
I will go back
to where it all began.
To where my tears have first been shed
To where my heart had first took flight
To where my soul first met eternity
To where I first experienced my first love.
My freedom
is not a chain that binds
me to the sorrow of the past
but is instead
the catalyst for my happiness.
As long as a single wish still remains
to find you once more
even after all this time
I shall wait
I shall come back
I shall love you again.
If this feeling disappears
I will come back
to love you
and love you all the more
once again.


And if you are still trapped
in that dismal blank world
of loneliness
I shall come and fetch you
I shall break the walls that surround you
flood you with light and hug you
and bask in the warmth
of requited love
But alas, this is only wishful thinking
knowing that all of these can only happen
if only you would choose me in the end
if only you will have me
if only you will love me.