I have no complaints about Hospitals in general
Some of my best friends work in Hospitals.
However humanity managed without them for milennia
But with the invention of modern warfare
Motor cars - high bridges - machinery and rugby!
They became as essential as Motorway Restaurants.
Despite my fine physique and educated risk awareness
Even I have been to hospital - once or twice - and
If ever I suffer a multiple fracture or compound fracture
(or even break a bone in several places at once)
While I would rather be at my Grandma's getting TCP
I know the best place to be - would be in Hospital!
Hospitals are places with X-ray machines
Which (like wives) can see right thorugh you!
Doctors and Surgeons who have spent years and years
Learning about every bone in the human body
And how to fix it and set it - should it accidently break.
They also have Nurses - who have to be believed to be seen!
The idea of being in bed with all those Nurses
To attend to your every need - Day & Night
Would make any red blooded young man
Relish a stay at the local Infirmary - for whatever reason.
But (and it is a big BUT) it is essential - that one's stay
Necessitates the dreaded HOSPITAL BED!
There is only one word for the hospital bed - INHOSPITABLE!
That is not intended as a pun - it is a proven fact.
In my experience the old HB is unlike any normal bed.
They are too hard - too high and too heavy - and
The sheets are tighter than a Scotstman's Sporran - and
The pillows are filled with what resemble - New Potatoes!
They are ideal for dying in - because they can easily
Be wheeled to the Morgue. However the are useless for
Lying in - sleeping in - snoozing in or sitting up in.
Also - for maximum humiliation - they are so constructed
To make it impossible - to use a wee wee jar
Or a bed pan effectively or efficiently in a Hospital Bed.
There must be some humane way to end this deadlock
Everyone likes a visit to the Hospital - no one wants to stay!
Perhaps all Hospitals should be excluisely Day Hospitals.
There should be an adjacent 5* Hotel for those who need an Ubernacht
Perhaps (if the Conservatives get in) we could all be allowed
To bring our own mattresses and our own pillows - like in Mumbai.
Unfortunately it is out of our hands and the beds are still diabolical.
I should point out that while we did not make these beds ourselves
Hospitalization dictates that we will alI will have to lie on them!
This poem is dedicated to all those who have stayed overnight in Hospitals and have experienced the frisson of the Hospital Bed.
(John knight - Colchester - October 2009)
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