Klaus The Mouse Poem by H E Alexander

This is the story of a fella called Klaus,
who, at his loudest, was quiet as a mouse,
though, when he saw a nice piece of cheese
he screamed in rapture and fell to his knees!

One day, Klaus, when inside his house,
listening to a sweet minuet by Strauss,
he saw, behind a green soup tureen,
a member of the family Murine.

"Hi, " said the rodent, sounding sort of like Scouse,
"I'm Klaus an' aye, I'm a talkin' mouse."
"Wow! " said Klaus (the human kind)
"that's my name, too, I think you'll find! "

"Oh! " said the mouse, raising his brows,
"I thought - if etiquette allows -
"that your name was really CJ; indeed,
"how many names does one person need? "

"Anyways, " said the humanoid Klaus,
"enough of the oohs, the ahs and wows,
"what are you doing here chatting to me,
"as if it's normal for mice to talk so freely! "

"All rodents talk, " said Klaus (not man, but mouse) ,
"our greatest joy is a dictionary browse,
"we just don' like ye lot ta know tha' we do,
"for fear of being locked in a laboratory or zoo! "

"Alright, alright, but what are you doing? Now's
"your time to come clean, before you arouse
"my suspicions more than you've already done,
"if not, you can get out, get lost, and do one! "

"I'm 'ere, " said mouse, "just 'cos me ol' spouse,
"has inexplicably sent me into the doghouse
"and all I wanted, ye see, was ta bed 'er,
"but, she said 'no', coz we'd run out of cheddar! "

Human Klaus baulked, and said, "You louse,
"you've come to root amongst my eggs and my grouse!
"Well, yes, " replied mouse, "but all I want is some cheese,
"so I can give my sweet mousey an affectionate squeeze! "

"You'll get no cheese, that's the first of my vows,
"nor anything made from chicken, game or cows.
"In fact, " he said, "you'll eat nothing no more."
Then he shot off his head with a sawn-off twelve-bore!