hidden poet

Tonight is one of those nights.
It happens on occasion-
something small like a conversation, a smell, or a sound
reminds me of days passed.

These old memories that are harrowed up
are so painful.
I can't sleep for the tears.
It gets harder to breathe and my chest starts to burn.
I hate who I was,
but even more than that,
I hate what happened to me.

The images that flash in my mind are dark.
They belong in a movie-
one of those heart-warming dramas.
You know why those are heart-warming?
Because you get to see the whole picture
You get to see someone survive unspeakable circumstances
and make the best of their lives.
You get to see them prove to the world,
and more importantly to themselves,
that nothing can stop them.
Well, in my heart-warming drama,
we haven't seen the end yet.
I haven't proven myself to anyone.

I'm still in the tear-jerking scenes.
Sometimes, in the movies, you see someone make a steady recovery.
I don't think it works that way,
I know it doesn't for me.
I was flying high for a while,
but now I'm back on the ground
because tonight is one of those nights.
I'm up and down in this life,
and tonight is a downer.

Nights are harder than days.
Nightmares start with the word night for a reason.
They're different than daydreams.
Daydreams are fantasies-you get to choose their direction.
Nightmares are out of your control.
When a memory is triggered,
it invades the night.
It won't back down as it hankers for attention.

How can you give a parasite your attention without letting it own you?
That's what these memories are.
They're parasitic in nature.
I gain nothing by ruminating over them,
but if I leave them alone they invade my nights.
If I dwell on them, I might as well invite them in.

Tonight is one of those nights...