Ma's Mission Poem by Pamela Ann Frances Crane

A lady in the dock today
Was charged with causing an affray,
Criminal damage, and assault -
But swore it was her victims’ fault.

The pensioner told our reporter
She was shopping with her daughter
When a fascia caught her eye:
FISH & CHIP’S AT SUPAFRY.

“Now, I was taught to spell, ” said she,
“And handle the Apostrophe!
My parents didn’t fight the Hun
For all we built to be undone.

If we are to be civilised
Our English Grammar should be prized.
Staring upward, getting madder,
I said, ‘Susan, get a ladder.’

Flexing bi- and quadriceps
We stole a window-cleaners’s steps.
As Susan footed, up I went,
And scrubbed until my breath was spent...

In tiny falling flakes of red
The rogue apostrophe was dead!
Too late the fryer and his queue
Ran to the doorway; I and Sue

Had quickly taken to our heels...
And then we heard the whoosh of wheels
Behind us. How could I resist
Copping a pavement cyclist?

My blood was up; now I would do
Something I always wanted to.
My bag of eggs and milk and butter
Toppled the blighter in the gutter.

What a fracas! What a scene!
After the police had been,
The paramedics, biker’s Mum,
While waiting for a brief to come,

I took the chance to really hammer
Home the need for proper grammar;
Someone had to take a stand
To get bad punctuation banned.

And as for cycles on the path...!
I vented years of bottled wrath
On PC Jones, who didn’t seem
To care, and simply let me scream.

And so I whacked him with my brolly.
Yes, I was a total wally.
Yes, I’ve had to pay the price -
Six months suspended isn’t nice.

But I shall keep a beady eye,
Young man, on your report of my
Crusade, and I shall tell the nation
If you botch your punctuation! ”

Well, thats us told. Your Editor
From now on in will honour her
Grammatical authority,
And make it’s rules priority.