Res John Burman

(27th October 1942 to 'Not Yet! ' / London, Middlesex, England)

'My Fortune Beckoning Cat'

I changed the batteries in my
Fortune beckoning cat,
And set him in my window, beckoning again.
Then I asked Barclaycard to repay all the
Personal Payment Insurance
That had been wrongly sold me!

Wrongly sold?
I believe that is a euphemism for theft!
“Wow! ” said the man from Barclays.
“That’s a good pay-out! ”

But I’d had three of his colleagues
On the ‘phone only a month or two before.
Demanding that I give them the few pounds
That I send to Médecins Sans Frontiéres
Each month. And what I send to Unicef
And WaterAid and Macmillan and a few more.
They said they had a higher priority than
The starving millions in Africa and Asia!
They said they could have me evicted!
Thugs in suits!

“Go ahead and evict me, ” I said.
“See what bloody fools you’ll look,
Evicting a 70 year old Disabled Veteran
Just because you stopped
Lending ‘Interest Only’ Mortgages
To people of my age.
You’re not dying from dirty water
Or lack of medicines! Though your lack
Of manners may be terminal! ”

They reluctantly agreed to let me stay
For a short while,
Provided I increase my monthly payments
By six hundred and twenty five per cent!

I was forced to sell my house!
And promptly rented it back!
I paid off my mortgage and all other debts.
Barclays didn’t even say, “Thank you! ”

But then I changed the batteries in my
Fortune beckoning cat!
“Wow! ” said the man from Barclays.
“That’s a good pay-out! ”

“That’s not a pay-out! ” I said,
“That’s you paying me back
All the money you’ve stolen from me
In the last eighteen or twenty years! ”
And then I went out and bought another
Fortune beckoning cat…..
Just in case!

No wonder the Chinese
Are so enamoured of
These ‘Lucky Cats! ’

Now Barclays keep asking me
To transfer any balances I might have
To them!
‘More neck than a brass giraffe, ’
Springs to mind.

One cat beckons…
The other waves Barclays off….
It reminds me of the legendary bird
Whose cry sounds remarkably like
“Fuggoff… Fuggoff! ”

Copyright © Res JFB 27th April 2013

Submitted: Friday, May 03, 2013
Edited: Friday, May 03, 2013

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