Reaction - Poem by Jan Hauck
I want to find words to describe it,
To understand it and to help you understand,
The feelings towards authority, the cringing,
The threshold, a raised voice makes me run,
More than anybody around me, it seems.
I want to help you understand
My being in the moment, being in my moment,
The feelings of alienation, the disappointment
In misreading care or interest, the anxiety
And the fear of seeing anger everywhere.
I want to help you comprehend
The emptiness when somebody speaks,
The feelings of helplessness and being
Restless about not knowing how to respond,
And the looks you give me when I fail.
Sometimes I wish you could understand
The futility of trying, the studying of patterns,
The feelings when mimicking you will not work,
And the withdrawal, contact and withdrawal,
Over and over and not giving up.
I want you to know that I try and understand,
The basic forms in a distorted way,
Feelings that make me laugh and cry,
Even compassion and logic and facts,
And show them when you don't expect it.
But is there not something fascinating
To the irony and the wicked humour,
That I look at you and see you as aliens,
While you all look at me, talk to me,
Frown at me! You see me as alien too.
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