Self Inflicted Pain Poem by Caty Rose

t is hard to explain the thoughts that run through my mind or the feelings that run through my soul,
It is hard to explain the emptiness I feel; it is hard to remember the last time I felt whole.
Do you know how it feels to only care about gathering knowledge but having no motivation to pick up any books?
To once do everything you could to be beautiful but then loose interest in your looks?
Do you know what it's like to feel constantly bored like there is nothing in the world that could possibly keep you sane?
Have you ever felt the constant misery that drags you down leaving you with a cloud over your head that always seems to rain?
Have you ever felt so special until your world was torn apart?
Do you know how it feels knowing your best friend broke your heart?
What about the feeling of abandonment where your two favorite people take off when your breaking down?
How about trying to face the world with a fake smile when on the inside it's a frown?
I no longer know how to socialize the thought of trusting people makes me scared,
There was a time when I loved meeting new people, it felt great knowing so many people cared.
After having everybody who pretended to love me walk out the door,
I forgot how to have friends I don't even know who I am anymore.
I then found something, something that seemed to be the answer to making me feel okay,
something that seemed so trustworthy and it promised to always stay.
It destroyed my family and forced me to starve but that didn't matter to me,
It was making me skinnier and took away my misery.
It gave me a rush that I'm not sure anybody could understand,
It stopped me from drowning; it brought me back to land.
Now I've found a person who I love so much more but he wants me to say goodbye to my new friend,
I don't want to say goodbye it promised until the end.
I don't want to let it go, it makes me feel alive,
It helped me through my darkest days; it helped me to survive.
Although I still feel numb, reality scares me and my thoughts do as well,
I'm always so unhappy which makes me so angry that I can't help but yell.
I always feel so empty like the main part of me is dead,
I've forgotten my interests; And how to have fun, all I want to do is play games in bed.
After suffering a depressive episode and you forgot who you were it is unlikely you will ever be the same,
I guess destroying the humanity in a girl is gods idea of a game.
It's been many years since I started searching for who I used to be,
I've asked everybody I used to know but I'm not the only one who doesn't remember me.
I may have forgotten who I am and all the stuff I used to do but I do know that I'm strong,
I've had the decision between life and death and I lived through this downwards spiral; suicide is wrong.
I don't expect you to understand; the full story is to complicated for me to explain,
But this story is a true story of a girl and self inflicted pain.