She Loved Me; I Loved Her Not-Chapter Two Poem by Lonnie Hicks

Audrey stood in front of the mirror that night
with the radio on staring at her body
in just in her bra and panties
evaluating her body, comparing her body,
her hair, her mouth, her behind
to Carly's
putting tissue paper in her bra cups
trying to get them look like Carly's breasts
puffing out her behind

pouting her lips
trying on a shade of lipstick
of lip gloss
that matched the kinds Carly wore.

She put her shortest shirt
thinking to hem to make it shorter
but not too short;
She didn't want to look cheap;
she would have to hide it in her backpack to get it out of the house.

She would have to change in the girl's bathroom at school
hoping no one would notice how her clothing had changed
that no one would notice and tell her parents,
or worse report her to the principal.

She didn't want people to start to talking about her
that would be mortifying
rumors would start
boys would start to think she was easy
and some of the girls would say she was a tramp or "fast."

Lots of girls at school wore short skirts but if she Audrey
wore one
people would notice,
her reputation would get ruined.



She looked at the skirt in the mirror
to see if her thighs,
now exposed,
looked fat or were too thick.

She stared at them not being able to tell
after all
she was not used to seeing her thighs in a short skirt.

She went to her closet to retrieve a top,
a white top,
because she felt that would not draw as much attention
buttoning up the front, with tiny pearl buttons.
staring at herself in the mirror;
examining her tissue-paper breasts
inside the top,

noting to her embarrassment
that her breasts looked lumpy.

Lumpy breasts would be a problem.

She pulled out a pair of socks from her closet
placing them carefully inside her bra.
They looked ok
but she would have to sew them in|

to be sure they didn't fall out

She dropped the socks on the dark carpet
and went to the closet to look again for something else.
She decided on cotton,
cotton
which she tore from the shoulder pads of the suit her aunt had given her
for her visit to New York
her junior year.
She took the shoulder pads out and tired them on,
turning slowing in front of the mirror to see how they looked.

They were perfect
and she breathed a gentle sigh of relief.

Now the eyes and the makeup;
She had some
and some she had borrowed
from her mother's makeup kit
and some she had gotten from her girlfriend, Mary
offering the excuse she had seen in a magazine some new things which could be done
with makeup.
Mary didn't ask any questions.

Arrayed before her was eyeliner, blush, powder,
and tweezers for eyebrow plucking,
gloss, foundation, false eyebrows, eyelash thickener, sparkles,
and something Mary had given her which she had no clue as to what it could be used for
(It turned out something which could thicken your newly plucked eyebrows.)

She never wore makeup before, at least to school
and it was suddenly dawning on her
that showing up with all this makeup was bound to be noticed.
She turned from the mirror, feeling dazed
going to sit on the side of her bed
realizing
that all this,
her plan
was dishonest
and not her.
It was too phony and people would see through it.
If her love was steady and strong
she thought
I would see that in time
eventually
or not.
But she would not pretend to be a person different than she was
because that would be obvious to everyone,
me and to herself.

If love was to triumph here Audrey concluded
it could not be based upon makeup and tight clothes.

She then decided what she would do, closing the make-up cases intinctively understanding it was an important decision in her young life.

The next day she told me what she had decided to do and I listened
not reacting
surprised
just looking at her for a moment
stunned
as she told me the details
of the night before,

The makeup, the short skirt
the tight blouse,
all of it.

To be continued