Technology? ? ? ! ! ! Poem by C Richard Miles

I’ve paddled through the packaging
And looked at all the labels.
With military strategy,
I’ve plugged in all the cables;

And now it’s smiling smugly,
As it sits on the TV:
The shiny, silv’ry set-top box
Is grinning back at me!

It has amazing functions
(Or so the advert said)
Though I really know I shouldn’t
Fall for everything I’ve read.

With its ultra-high definition
It scans for all new channels
And displays them with precision
On its liquid-crystal panels.

I’ve read the short instruction book
On how to set it up;
The longer one’s still on the floor -
I’m summoning up the pluck

To peruse its geeky pages,
Full of trite, scientific terms
In a litany of languages
And esoteric words

From Spanish to Swahili
And stations in-between
And what looks like hieroglyphics
In a hideous shade of green!

This whizz-bang new technology
Is really state-of-the-art
And it makes my faded living room
Begin to look quite smart.

I’m keen to see what things it does;
I’m dying to discover
If, instead of Big Brother watching us,
That we can watch Big Brother!

I’ve triggered all the switches
And twiddled all the knobs;
I’ve wiggled all the widgets
And tried to check the cogs,

But still the thing is leering
And refuses to come on
And now I’ve started peering
To see if the fuse has gone.

I check rainbow-coloured wiring
In spaghetti-like formation;
I’ve read, re-read and read again
To check the information.

But sullenly it simpers
As it sits upon the set
And declines each imprecation
To start: I’m now quite vexed.

I hit it and I thump it;
I try to use a spanner;
I shake it and I tap it;
I’ll resort to that big hammer!

As you have guessed, my patience now
Is wearing very thin:
If it don’t work, I’ll pick it up
And chuck it in the bin!

So now I yell and swear and curse,
(I’m sure my language has been worse)
But now it’s getting very terse,
As you can see, penned in this verse!

So I go and fetch my neighbour,
Who’s quite a clever chap:
He once drove down to Cornwall
And never used a map.

It takes him just one second
To make it come to life.
He spotted it in an instant,
Didn’t have to ask the wife.

And so, in brief conclusion,
I’ve found out, to my chagrin,
That, as with all technology:
It works best if you plug it in!