The Darkness Pulls Poem by Glenn Cummins

To what would I liken the Darkness?
A cloud? A black hole? An abyss?
No, the Darkness is more alive.
More personal. More conscious.
Like a great snake.
An anaconda perhaps.
Slowly pulling itself over me.
While it squeezes the life from my mind and soul.
I fight it.
Yet the darkness pulls me in.

What brought the darkness to me?
Was it genetics? Or my own wrongdoing?
All I know is that it has always been here.
Many think I am to blame.
Bad decisions and bad judgment brought it here.
I too think I am to blame.
I was born bad. One of God's mistakes.
Better people repel the Darkness.
They have victory over it.
I fight it.
Yet the darkness pulls me in.

Something about the Darkness comforts me.
It has no hidden agenda.
It wants what it wants.
There is no falseness or deception.
It feeds on everything good. Love. Joy. Hope. Faith.
It devours happy memories.
It is like a burglar who thieves very small things.
So that you don't notice he's been there.
But after ten thousand burglaries.
You find that your house is nearly empty.
I fight it.
Yet the darkness pulls me in.

Can I be rid of the Darkness?
In times past I thought so.
But it has since grafted itself into me.
So that I cannot see things as they are.
And I cannot feel things as I should.
I would ask God for help.
But I have squandered His aid too many times.
I need Harry Potter to cast a Patronum spell over me.
To banish this Death Eating Darkness.
Or for Luke Skywalker to destroy this Death Star
Which threatens to destroy me.
I need a Frodo
To dropp the ring of power
Into the cracks of Mt. Doom.
Destroying the Being who gave birth to this Darkness.
Then reality hits me. There are no heroes.
That is fantasy. I am, in fact, alone.
I fight it.
Yet the Darkness pulls me in.

Sometimes I drink.
To dull the pain.
To escape the Darkness.
Not permanently, I know.
I think of a man drowning in a raging sea.
If you threw him a rope and pulled him into a boat.
But only just for a few hours
Before you would throw him back into the foaming torment.
Would he turn down those few hours?
I'm guessing not.
Many call me weak.
Tell me I'm an awful person for this.
Yet among those of us who dwell daily
With the Darkness
There is an understanding. A fellowship.
Any reprieve from the Darkness is precious.
Whether through drink. Or smoke. Or other means.
Others can judge.
But to feel normal.
Hell, just to feel anything period
Even for a short while.
Is awfully nice.
I fight it.
Yet the Darkness pulls me in.

Pills, pills, and more pills.
Sometimes they keep the Darkness at bay.
Oft times they simply numb me.
Don't feel good. Or bad. Just don't feel.
Others seem to think that they are akin to
The Magic beans in Jack and the Beanstalk.
Oh, if that could only be true.
Don't get me wrong.
The pills are good. They are not evil.
Yet they sometimes seem
Like Band-Aid's
Being used to patch a crack in the Hoover Dam.
They aren't hurting.
But they will be swept away by the whelming flood.
I fight it.
Yet the Darkness pulls me in.

Sometimes I look back.
To how I used to be.
When the Darkness was just an annoyance.
Before it began to encompass me.
I remember Love. And Faith. And Hope.
And the tears stream down my face.
I try to remember my own youth.
But it is obscured by a veil.
Lost forever. More tears stream.
I want to feel good things again.
I want to know what it is to be carefree.
If only for a nanosecond now and again.
But the Darkness grimly shakes its head at me.
'This is not to be for you.'
I fight it.
Yet the Darkness pulls me in.

Inside my soul voices cry out.
A constant din, disturbing every thought.
Good things within me dying.
Screaming as the darkness envelops them.
I've grown used to this cacophony.
It is all I know.
The Buddhists say that 'Life is suffering'.
In my opinion, they got it right.
And I wonder
If someday I will tire of fighting.
And simply relax and slip into the Darkness.
What would await me there?
Rest from my suffering?
A better place, Heaven if you will?
Or a red-hot Hell, since I have been
Such a god-awful excuse for a human being?
I do not know.
For now, all I know is this
I will keep fighting it.
And hope that the Darkness does not pull me
The whole way in.